Now let me tell you what, I hadn't never seen such a thing in all my life. And it’s a right shame that I was the only one home, for I don’t think ma or pa is ever gonna believe what happened to me.

See, I was out in the forests back behind the house, trying to rustle some or another up. Old Dan and Little Ann were at work, sniffing about the trees the way my ol’ coonhounds do better than near anybody, when suddenly Little Ann gets all nervous. She starts bawing and bawing, but it ain’t at a tree or nothing, and then Old Dan picks something up coming from beyond the house and bolts right on over there, Little Ann at his heels. And I run after them, for what’s a young boy with puppy love to do other than follow his dogs wherever they go? I wasn’t sure what I’d find when I rounded that there corner, but lord almighty I never would’ve expected what I did see.

There was the biggest, burliest lass I ever seen standing out by the wagon in front of the house, and she was wearing the darndest thing! Black robes and black gloves and black boots, she also had some reading glasses or another that were mighty big and hid her eyes. And her hair! Bright orange and stuck up like a thin little stump, over a face that was all painted black and white. It was right strange, I tell you, right strange. She had a sword too, but that didn’t bother me none ‘cause I ain’t never seen a sword that big before and it was just awfully fun to look at.

Anyway, Old Dan and Little Ann had reached the missy by this point and were sniffing her all careful-like. I could tell she was a good person, for she didn’t do nothin’ to spook my hounds, even though she seemed mighty uncomfortable. I called out then, “hey there, miss. My dogs seem to like you!”

I think this only confused her, funny enough, ‘cause she said back, “what the fuck is a dog?”

And I said, “well, them things at your feet is dogs. And they the best coonhounds in the whole county.”

And she was all like, “oh,” and went all quiet again. Old Dan, brave little hound, he pawed at her leg a little bit, and the big lass must’ve decided then and there she liked dogs, ‘cause she started scratching him behind the ear and got just the biggest smile you ever seen.

“You're a weird little furball, aren’t you,” she said. Then: “Harrow would hate you,” and laughed for some reason.

“Oh, I don’t think this Harrow person could hate my dogs. I don’t think anybody could,” I said, and adamantly too.

“Nah,” she said, and I should mention here that she talked funny, but I didn’t say nothing about it in the moment. “Trust me, squirt, the Duchess of Darkness is a weenie like that.” She stood then and looked around. “So, uh… you got any food?”

I told her we got grits. I offered her some too. She said she already got some, which only confused me, ‘cause I didn’t see no grits on her, but she waved me off then and said something else about us having oldy girly magazines—to show that Harrow person, I guess—but I didn’t much understand that neither. I did give her some food after that. We talked up a storm in the kitchen. Let me say, she was wild and fun, good fun. She left not long after. There’s an awful lot more to be said, but I’ll save it for another day.

Never thought I’d write a Where the Red Fern Grows and Gideon the Ninth crossover AU, but here we are lmao