I’d start my day waking up to the sun shining brightly in my room. I’d stay in bed for about an hour, probably watching Tik tok. Finally I’d go to the bathroom and get ready. I’d turn on some empowering music. Id dance in the mirror, and wash away all my insecurities. I’d brush my hair and brush my teeth. Maybe even straighten my hair. I’d put some light makeup on, and I would think I looked pretty. I’d go over to my desk and write a few things down in my journal. Maybe draw for a bit and color it. I’d walk down the street and buy myself breakfast, maybe sit a while at the park and watch the trees sway. I probably wouldn’t even be on my phone. Maybe I would go back home, and play some video games. Then I’d go hang out with my family, probably wanting to go home - because even without you they would still pester me about something. They might want me to go shopping, or go to the beach. I’d go but I would look for you in every crowd, even though I know you avoid them. I’d look for you in all the cars - wondering if you are in one of them. I’d pass a place we’ve been, wondering if you are there. I would want to know if your thinking about me too, if you hated me, or loved me, or missed me like I miss you. I’d desire guys attention, but they could never be you. If I got any sort of attention I’d walk away with dissatisfaction. I’d enjoy being alone, but I would never truly love it. I’d want to see you in public, I’d want you to see that I’m doing fine. But If that is what I truly longed for, then maybe I wouldn’t be so fine at all.

The thing I would most desire is that you were happy. I wouldn’t want you to hold onto hate because you don’t deserve that. At nights I’d cry thinking about how I hurt you, and how afriad I am that you aren’t doing well. How your room is probably extremely messy, how the dishes haven’t been cleaned in over a month. You just sleep all day, and try not to think about it, how I’m still probably in your dreams. I’d wonder if you even remembered me, if you suppressed it like you do with everything else. That thought would make me cry the most. By then I would be strong enough to refrain myself from contacting you, but it would be so difficult not to tell you about my day, my dreams, and my feelings. If I let myself I would fill your inbox with paragraphs, and it would be unhealthy for both of us. Neither one of us could move on if I did that. One day someone will occupy my mind more than you, maybe I’d even forgot about you most days. I’d have the family I’d always want, but I’d always have our dream family in the back of my mind. Daisy, Octavius, and River. Wondering what it looks like in another life. Maybe by then we’d have a baby together, and life would look differently. I don’t know what the future withholds, but I definitely don’t like the look of it without you.