I’ve had this roommate for several years,

He’s hard to miss with his giant ears.

His hair is blonde and he’s not very tall,

And he’s got the worst breath of all.

He never pays rent, and he never cleans up.

And when I’m not looking, he'll drink from my cup.

He snores so loud it rattles the walls,

He'll climb the stairs so fast that he falls.

He takes my chair whenever stand.

He’ll even steal food right from my hand.

He leaves his hair all over the place,

Wherever he goes, it turns to a race.

He torments my cats; he won’t leave them alone.

And he'll get loud when I answer my phone.

He’s over the moon whenever we go out,

But if he’s not invited, he’ll sulk and he’ll pout.

He tracks mud in the house without a care,

And sometimes he’ll steal my underwear.

But that’s not the worst. No, not yet.

That’s just what he did of week that we met.

I think I’m secretly jealous of his life of ease.

His favorite meal? Hotdogs with cheese.

Bothered my nothing, he might be dim.

But my life seems so simple with him.

He doesn't seem to mind if he steps in a puddle,

Or if I walk in while my wife and him cuddle.

He always looks around like he's on guard.

And I swear to God. He’s shit in my yard.

But even after all of it. The mess and the doubt,

I still can’t bring myself to kick him out.

You see, he fits right in. Like a perfect cog.

One last thing...My roommate’s my dog.