January 8, 2019

“I am fine” she says. Her voice is soft and quiet. It sounds sad and forced. It is different than how she normally talks to me. When we talk she is always so vibrant and full of life. Her voice always sounds happy and warm.

“Are you sure?” I ask my grandmother.

There is a pause.

“Yes, I am fine. Remember I am supposed to live for two hundred years.” There is a hint of a smile as she says this, but at the same time there is a different undertone that I can’t put my finger on. Sorrow?

“You are right, you will live forever. I have to go, but I will call you when I can. I love you! Take care of yourself.”

“I will mija, and again Happy Birthday.” Then I hang up the phone.

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Sometimes I wish I could go back to that time and never hang up. These thoughts slam into me almost every day. I hung up that damn phone that day not knowing that it would be the last time I will ever be able to hear her voice again. That sweet, joyous sound. I replay our last conversation in my head frequently. It haunts me, yes, it always haunts me. I should have done something, should have pushed more. Perhaps if I had pushed more, she would have been forced to tell me she was sick.

I would have helped her, and if I couldn’t, I would have found a way to do so. Why did she never tell me? So that I wouldn’t be sad? So that I wouldn’t worry?

I worry more now that she is gone. I worry about it almost obsessively.

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_January 17, 2019 _

I wake up with a startle. I look around trying to remember where I am. Right, I am at a friend’s house. I check my phone. It’s 5 AM. I should get up soon, I have to start the hour long journey back home, I have class in a couple of hours. I should also check in with my grandmother. Hopefully, she just needed to get a check up. I grab my stuff and head out the door. It is chilly as I walk to my car. I get in and turn on the car. The motor jumps to life. I wait a bit letting the car warm up. I am about to start driving when my phone rings. It is an unknown caller, but why would they call me at 5 AM. I should just ignore it. The call ends shortly, however, the phone rings a second time. It is the same number. I ponder for a bit.

“Hello,” I answer, deciding perhaps it is important.

“Andrea, mija, is that you?”

“Aunt Julia?” I reply, finally realizing who it might be.

“Yes, it’s me, are your parents home, I have been trying to contact them for a while now and I can’t get through to either of them.”

“They must be sleeping. They usually don’t get up until 7 AM. What do you need them for?”

“Andrea, I am going to say something, but please try to remain calm, okay?”

“Okay,” I reply. However, my heart is beating fast, like it wants to jump out of my chest. I don’t know why, but it feels like whatever is going to come out of my aunt’s mouth next will change the course of my life.

“Your grandmother is in a coma. They had to induce it to reduce the pain she was in, but they are hoping to treat her soon and she will be alright after that. Okay, so don’t worry.”

I remain silent unable to process what I just heard. There are many emotions. Confusion, anger, sadness, etc.

“What do you mean, coma? Why? What happened? Tell me what is wrong with her? Why did nobody tell me it was serious? My dad just said she was going in for a checkup because she was uncomfortable near her back.”

“Andrea, mija, your grandmother has renal failure.” And there it was. The bomb that exploded my entire world. I hung up without saying goodbye. I sat there in disbelief. I never even knew she had renal problems. I never knew she was in pain. There’s got to be something we can do, right? Yes, there are transplants, perhaps I could be a donor. Even if I have to travel to get to her, I will. I have to go home. I have to tell my parents I have to go see her. I…

I was driving, no, I was speeding. The hour drive, I had turned into a thirty minute drive. I knew I had to be careful. I was trying, but she was all I could think about. Then, all of a sudden it happened, the air seemed to have been punched out of my lungs. I found it hard to breathe and then I started gasping, trying to catch the air. I was like a fish, trying with all my might to breathe, but I couldn’t. I was hyperventilating. Just then my phone rang. It was my dad.

“Andrea, where are you?” He asks, concerned lacing his words.

“Mmmm”

“Are you okay?”

“MMMMMM”

“Your aunt told you, didn’t she? Fuck, are you okay? Where are you?”

“I… _gasp… _ can’t… _gasp… _ breathe… gasp…”

“Fuck, you’re hyperventilating. Andrea, listen to me. You need to calm down, okay? You have to breathe. Everything is fine. Please, calm down, I don’t need you getting into an accident too. Listen to me, breathe, BREATHE.” And somehow those words brought the air back to me. Slowly it began to seep back into my lungs.

A few minutes later, I arrived home. My mom was standing in the kitchen, with my siblings getting ready for school. They didn’t know, at least my siblings didn’t. Their faces weren’t full of sorrow, they were happy. I said goodbye to them, as my mom gave me a worried look and a reassuring smile.

I went to shower, hoping to wash the anxiety away. I tried to think positively. I needed to talk to my dad. My mom said he would be back soon. Then, I would go to her. I finished and got dressed. My stomach grumbling in the process. I didn’t have an appetite, it could wait. I sat down at my bed afterwards, hoping for my dad to return. Just then I heard the front door open. He was back.

I went out to talk to him. But then… his face… it contorted… in pain. In that moment I felt my heart sink, I knew. I just knew and I didn’t want him to open his mouth. I didn’t want him to say anything. No, if he did, it would be true and I didn’t want it to be true. Then, the tears started to stream out of his eyes. They appeared like waterfalls.

“I’m sorry mija…”

“NO! NO!” I yelled at him. My heart began to race, as if it wanted to run, run after her. It wanted to race to her and bring her back. Then, it began to break. I never thought you could feel it. Never thought you could hear it break. I felt it crack under my chest and then burst into a million little pieces. How was I supposed to piece them back together after this break. They were so small and everywhere.

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I don’t think I ever did piece it back together. At least not completely. My heart still feels like I missed a few pieces when I tried to put it back. I think I left them somewhere back in January 8, 2019. I think I left her there that night after she wished me Happy Birthday.

This piece is very special to me… I am okay with feedback. Thanks!