Trigger warning-

‘The wind blew my hair. I stood on the edge again.’ “It’s sad that this felt so normal to me,” like stars in the sky or fish in the sea. It’s always been a part of me. “I wish I was a beautiful butterfly, who could soar freely above the mountains, forests, and streams.” _

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_I cry because I’m so empty from all the abuse, pain, and lies._

_I cry because no one truly listens to me without getting mad at me._

_I cry because no one believes a word I say, even though I don’t lie._

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_My feet teetered between life and death . I closed my eyes and felt a rush of peace wash over me. I stretched my arms out. I could feel the cold, crisp air across my face. I thought about what a relief it would be to let go. But something was stopping me. I imagined how those I loved would feel so free without me constantly pulling them down. The massive cement blocks attached to their hands and feet would instantly propel them to the top faster than a rocket in outer space. _

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I’m also reminded of how many times I’ve tried and failed and all the hurt it’s caused. The last attempt 14 years ago I ended up intubated in the ambulance, then in the ICU on mechanical ventilation. No one came to see me that night. Usual excuses, usual suspects. Shouldn’t have been a shock to me. I can’t explain what that does to someone who is already to the point of planning their own funeral. From then on it was a horrible hatred for years. A pain so deep, and excruciating it’s unexplainable with words. This is where I hide, in the darkest corners of my mind—I lock myself in there and throw away the keys so they can’t find me. But more importantly I have to hide some of the worst traumas that have been done to me or I’d never be able to survive. So I put on a happy smile, brave front, that I’ve been perfecting since a small child, and underneath this old woman is a fragile inner child who just wanted to be loved and feel safe. Unless you’ve experienced it, you can’t understand the unbearable pain that’s permanently etched into my broken, damaged brain. The guilt and shame threatened to drive me insane, but I’m determined to push through like I always do. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, I will continue to stand and fight every time I get knocked down._

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