Marriage is a sacred union that connects two people for all time whether it was a good idea or not. And that’s why if you have exes, aren’t you in luck? That’s a basis of what you are looking for in a partner. And truly, I can’t believe you didn’t already come up with it yourself. Here is an anonymous testimonial from a past client:

“This book helped me, alright. Now, I’m booked for the next twenty years.”

You definitely need my help if you thought someone new might help. No—no—no, new is bad. Nothing good ever came from change. Change gets lost in the sofa. If someone is different, we burn crosses on their lawns, right? How many times have you seen a fresh change go good? In fact, I married my fifth wife three times. Fourth time is the charm (or at least that’s what I keep telling myself).

And now, since I’ve made perfect sense with this great advice, let’s talk about how to get them.

**_Picking your lady._**

You probably have their number, and if you don’t, you’re a loser. You’re a bigger loser if you can’t get their number out of one of their relatives. They were an orphan? Even better! Get a PI. If you just show up, there’s no one to stop you from playing “Never Gonna Give You Up” out of a portable speaker until they call the cops or let you in out of annoyance. It’s called wearing them down! You have to play the long game.

**_Learn about your love._**

The long game means following them without them knowing. Learn their daily routines. If you see them meeting with any other guys, take the time to slash the guy’s tires. If you can, follow their potential love interests as well. Nothing says I love you like knowing everything about them. It will be helpful in figuring out when and where to leave your gifts. Women love things like hearts. I recommend the hearts of the other guys. Leave them little notes on their door that say things like, “I’ve been waiting for you all my life,” or “We were made for each other”.

**_In the house? Time to shine!_**

Now, if you find yourself in their house, remember that members of the opposite sex will always be weak to anyone who makes them food. Make a girl food and she’ll think you’re a genius. Cereal works best. It doesn’t? Well then, she wasn’t for you! Make sure to give her a piece of the special chocolate that came with the book. Don’t worry, the stuff is harmless. They won’t hold anything against you after you leave. You’ll never hear from them again!

**_When to know she’s for you_**

If they do call the police, keep in mind that cops eat up this sort of thing. Make sure to tell the officers that you were doing it all out of love. If they take you into the station, that’s even better because that means the girl really loves you, which means my job is done here.

Bonus Testimonials:

“At once, illegal, immoral, and still convincing.” -Anonymous

“He’s not just out of touch. He’s out of state, out on bail, and out of his mind.” -Judge Linda Hoffman

“Bold. Deranged. But still somehow less creepy than my ex.” -The (Female) Arresting Officer