And if I die before I wake

I pray the Lord my soul to…..

Wait.

I know somethings wrong when I don’t wake up in my bed that morning. A prayer, from the documentary I watched before bed, trailing off in my mind is the last thing I remember.

But I do wake up and it feels like I was never sleeping. I’m wide awake, I have never felt so awake, so conscious, aware, alert, so…sensational!

My whole life’s memories suddenly flood in, wave after wave of home movies push through my vision somehow fast forwarding in slow motion.

Hearing my mothers voice from a warm soft unrecognizable place. Looking into her eyes for the first time.

Tasting sugar, sugar sooo sweet and feeling every bit of the adrenaline flow through my body afterwords. Running it off, every tumble and squeal.

I see every time someone smiles at me, and every time someone frowns. All the hugs and all the hurt. The fun times and the fights. It was all there, all around me like a mosaic slowly morphing into my melting pot.

And then it got hot.

I rub my eyes, it hurts to look up but I don’t have to look. I know I’m walking up to the gates of Hell. At first I feel okay, this is all a mistake and any second I’ll blink and see the gates of heaven. Someone really messed up.

In heaven everything’s free. In hell you pay the price, but I came to realize why not pay, and get paid, working either way for what you want. Free is never guilt free, was never for me.

I wasn’t sure I wanted it easy. My life was never hard. And If hell is hot maybe heaven is cold. Not relative to temperature because we shouldn’t feel anything in death right? Always told you’ll be hot if you’re in hell. Does that mean You’ll be cold in heaven, or is that cool. Cool mean less accepting and more judgemental. Those friends that say they love and accept you only if you act the same as them, walk like them, talk like them and always wear pink on tuesdays.

But I like it hot, and red really is my colour!