Feeling known.

I’ve always wondered what it feels like.

One time I thought I did…

But it was just an act.

Summer came and went,

And suddenly everything was different.

I have no friends,

No goals,

No car,

Nothing.

I sit at home watching the hours tick by.

Waiting for the morning.

When I can feel like I have purpose again.

When I have a life.

Have dreams.

But now…

I feel lost.

Alone.

Empty.

Something inside me is missing…

I just don’t know what.

I used to think I could fill that gap with books,

Reading,

Writing,

Painting.

I used to be happy that way.

But all of a sudden…

I don’t.

Maybe it’s because my friend doesn’t know me.

Doesn’t talk to me.

Not anymore.

I used to think being a homeschooled highschooler would be easy.

It’s not.

Sitting on the sidelines of everything.

Just waiting until I can leave.

Finally be able to do something,

Be something.

Something different.

Two years.

Only two more years.

I try and use it as reassurance,

But it just makes me feel worse.

Maybe it’s the inevitability of the future.

Or maybe it’s just my seasonal depression.

The anxiety bubbling up inside of me.

My friends use it as almost a brag.

“I have ADHD.”

“Oh well I have serious anxiety and have a panic attack every night.”

“Well I have depression.”

I can assure you that this is not something to be bragged about.

Boasting about anxiety attacks?

When did this become a thing?

I used to tell my friends “I had an anxiety attack today.”

Like it would make me cool.

But I now understand…

These things are not a joke.

They are not a thing to brag about.

They are a serious problem in our world today.

And for me to be able to say “I’m conquering my anxiety and learning to control it,”

Is a much better thing.

Feeling known is a wonderful feeling.

And I can’t wait until I find my person.

My husband.

Someone who will understand.

Someone who will hold me through the panic,

Laugh with me through the good,

Cry with me through the bad.

Because we’re all looking for purpose.

And it’s different for everyone.

So don’t spend your time wasted on things like trying to be cool,

Or trying to have more friends.

Instead, look for your purpose.

Because one day,

Maybe soon,

Maybe far,

You’ll find it.

(Pls look at the comments!🫶🏻)