My arms shook beneath the cafeteria table as I attempted to smoothly wipe my sweaty palms on my thighs without grabbing Mackenzie’s attention. I had been invited by one of her friends to sit at the table since I had been eating lunch alone for the past few weeks since school started. I watched them converse, bouncing from topic to topic. I didn’t say anything.

Perhaps, I could’ve been like Mackenzie, sitting in the center, basking in the attention of her entourage, enjoying the company of friends. instead, I lay comfortably alongside my murky emotions.

In fact, I didn’t care what Mackenzie, her friends, or anyone said. How could I, when I was plagued by the constant buzz of whirling anxiety and smothered in my weighted blanket of depression.

Yet, in some ways I found myself caring. If I hadn’t cared, I wouldn’t have sat down at this table with them. Needy for attention, envious of how easily the words that I was unable to speak flowed through their lips.

I had become the quiet kid, the shy kid, I had become pathetic. The words I spoke were no longer heard, my voice was no longer in my control.

Who was the person standing before me? Surely, it couldn’t have been me.

Loudly, I wanted to yell and to scream, to cry and to laugh, just so they could see! Paint the words on my body so they could see!

See me!

Even my own mother could no longer differentiate that this shell was not her child.

That this mind, these thoughts, that my body had become a stranger to me.

I stood there as my mother harshly scolded me.

Constantly trying to find what was wrong with me. why did I no longer smile? Why was I failing every class ?

Why was I not good enough?

I stood in silence. Blankly staring, nodding to seem agreeable just so I could be left alone.

Still, I gave the answer I had given many times before.

I cried, the tears I had cried before,

Did they truly not know?

I don’t know.

Had they cared that they hadn’t known?

I’m not sure, but I knew I had told them.

Not in the right way, since I was never taught and not always through the right words, but not once had I ever been silent.

They had ignored my voice, my warning and the signs I had given.

So in their apathy, my body and soul were buried alive.