I thought that middle school

would be the worst.

That’s what everyone said,

that everyone grows up and matures by the time

ninth grade starts.

And they did.

Most of them.

But the ones who didn’t prowl

the halls,

looking for their next victim.

Preying on the innocent.

And it’s not just middle school stuff,

the occasional middle finger,

or shove into a locker.

It’s the stuff that you can’t see...

TW ED (more from my book lol)

The first thing I wanted to lose

was my stomach.

Get rid of the little pouch

that formed when I sat down.

But the last thing you lose

is your stomach.

You lose your happiness

long before that.

Your identity,

your life.

Maybe in another lifetime,

I could have just

lived with that little pouch.

...

TW ED (more from a book I’m working on)

Is it bad

that I don’t want 

a body like all the 

supermodels,

the ones with perfect curves

and big boobs

and six packs?

That I want a body that 

is skin-and-bones,

no curves in sight.


Why?

I don’t know.

Maybe because if I looked

like that,

then I’d be sick enough.

Then I can stop all of this

because I’ve gone the lowest I can go

without dying....

TW ED (another excerpt from a book I’m working on)

The stretchy blue

tourniquet is tied around my

arm.


The nurse feels around the

crook of my right elbow

for a vein.

She shakes her head,

undoes the tourniquet 

and ties it onto the other 

arm.

She feels around some more,

and unwraps the butterfly

needle from the plastic.

“I usually only use these on

little ones,”
she says,

“but your veins are s...

TW ED (an excerpt from a book I'm working on)

I turned 14 a week ago,

and my mom made me

this massive four-layer

chocolate cake with

strawberry jam between the layers.

It’s been my favorite since I

was six.

I blew out the candles,

wished to be skinny,

and cut my brother his slice.

Then my mom.

Then my dad.

My breath quickened.

My heart raced.

The room started spinning

and I thought that I was...

TW ED AND SH

just another pound.

just another meal.

just another cut

to prove i can feel.

just a little more sorrow,

a little more pain.

just another prescription

to make me feel sane.

just a little lightheaded,

i promise i'm okay,

but really it's a battle

just to get through each day....

TW ED

you've caused me so much pain,

yet the love that i feel for you blinds me of it.

i've taught myself to turn my back

whenever you torment me,

whenever that sickly voice whispers

commands in my ear.

you are merely a voice in my head,

but you hold so much power.

never did i think that someone who

doesn't even exist

would be the bane of my existence.

but to me you exist as clearly as

the su...

I toss and turn in this bed that isn’t mine, the sheets scratching my skin, the blankets barely keeping me warm. I’m tempted to ask for another blanket, but then the staff will know that I’m not asleep, which will be seen as a “regression” in my treatment. Which means a longer stay. Which means a higher chance of being Wiped.

So I close my eyes and pretend to be asleep when the night nurses come...

TW ED__

__

__

_does it feel good,_

_little girl?_

_does it feel like you are_

_finally in control of your body?_

__

__

n-no.

it hurts.

my stomach is cramping,

my head is spinning,

they want me_ _in a hospital.

_good, that’s good,_

_little girl._

_that’s what you want,_

_right?_

_to prove to them that you_

_are sick?_

__

__

n-

i mean yes.

_you’re getting it._

_you go out there_

_and be the best ...

i don’t think I’ll ever be ready

for high school.

it always seemed so far away,

a tiny dot on the horizon line.

but that dot has grown closer

and closer to me,

its arms reaching out to grab me,

to take me away from my innocent youth

and into the world

of college and adulting.

whenever someone asks me how i feel

about starting high school next year,

i laugh and say that i’m not ready yet.

they la...