I’ve waited for ages.

Waited to write my thoughts

and feelings, see them on paper.

And that day came and went.

So many days have passed.

But no more.

I’m leaving this platform today.

Deleting my account tomorrow.

Say your goodbyes-

if anyone even cares....

I fought so hard.

I fought to keep myself together.

I never let myself cry.

I blamed you, not me.

Then you stopped showing up.

I haven’t seen you since.

Why do I even care?

I’m still fighting.

Fighting a useless battle,

trying to attack the shadows

of you that still lurk inside me.

I don’t cry.

But right now,

thinking of you and your cuts

and your smile

and your absence,

I could cry.

I want to...

You are insignificant.

A tiny speck of dust or grime.

You don’t talk to me.

You never talk to me.

And yet you say you love me.

You are so small,

so weak and tiny.

So why do I care?

Why do I care if

you kill yourself.

You’re a speck of dust,

one I couldn’t bring myself

to get rid of.

I breathed you in

and you went into my heart

and never left.

I’m not sure I

want you to....

I told myself I was okay.

I told them I was okay.

I told myself I didn’t need to talk

to anyone about it.

And yet I still feel nothing.

And yet you still linger in my mind.

And yet you’re still not in school.

And yet she left, and I weep.

And yet I want to apologize.

Apologize for what?

I don’t know yet....

With people,

We hide ourselves.

We sweep away

the things we really like,

replacing them with

things _they_ like.

In hopes we

become something,

someone they like.

Without people,

We still hide.

We hide from ourselves.

We do not cry

or show weakness.

We don’t want

to be weak.

Us as a whole

just want to

fit in.

We can’t show

ourselves, even

to ourselves....

I was okay once.

I had friends, a family that loved me.

Sitting by the ocean, watching the waves crash.

But then she came along

Showing me things I didn’t need to see

Every cut, every bruise a small wave

But then she encouraged me.

The tide came in and swept it all away.

I grow further from my friends,

I hide so much from my family,

I feel dead inside.

My innocence, my happiness

swept away by he...

The poppies let their sweet, sleepy powder

float into the air, setting it free

as I watch, wishing

that could be me....

The ball flies at my head.

Everything slows.

I see, in painfully slow replay, my fumble.

I hear jeering.

I was daydreaming, daydreaming of being

Away from here, take me anywhere but here-

I pick up the ball, pass it to the other team.

Trying to ignore my teammates’ death stares.

The game goes on.

The game’s going great, nobody

even seems to remember my fumble.

I’ve gotten two points, and the b...

This reporter won’t go away.

His eager face glides into the corner of my vision.

Nagging at me.

It’s astonishing to me how much those puppy-dog eyes can persuade.

He hits me with a barrage of questions, not even stopping to breathe.

The weight of these questions takes my breath away.

Talking about my family’s death like it’s just a story-

My feelings, raw feelings, engulf my mind. I can’t think.

I...

They told me from day one-

_“She’s not who she says she is._

_She’s going to hurt you in some way.”_

__

I didn’t listen; I thought I could fix her.

In the end, she and I were too broken.

We were broken together,

Which, most of the time,

Is better than being broken alone.

This time, we broke each other more.

She said she was fine.

I said I was fine.

Turns out, both of us are liars....