"Only a call away!"

I stare at the words written under the number of the suicide prevention hotline. I fix the screen until my eyes hurt. But the burning in my eyes is not only from the laptop flashlight. This is my sixth bottle of wine today.

I take one last sip and throw the bottle across the room, sending it crashing against the wall.I check the number again and chuckle to myself.

A call. As if a stranger can save me.

"Your life matters!"

"Call us!"

"We're here for you!"

"You're not alone!"

I laugh harder, angrily wiping tears that escaped my eyes.

I was supposed to laugh, damn it. why am I so pathetic? why can't I even laugh carelessly?

I tightened my hold on the phone when the beeping started.

"Thank you for calling the suicide and crisis lifeline. My name is Joana, I'm here to listen. What's your name, dear?"

The counselor answers the call immediately, her voice is calm and sweet compared to my hoarse one.

"Hello? you still here?"

"Yes." I answer after I sniffle.

"Can you tell me what's your name, please?'

"Al...Allie."

I could feel her smile behind the phone.

"How are you feeling, Allie? can you tell me what's on your mind, sweetie?"

The question I hate. The question that has the power to shatter me and send me into wordlessness. I wanted to take a minute to spill a word out, but again, all I could make out was a laugh. Because I don't even know where to start. Or how.

"Are you thinking about hurting yourself right now, Allie?'

"People around me already took care of that, Joana."

"Sweetie, can you tell me where you are? in case we get disconnected."

I genuinely smile to myself.

Hearing a concerning, panicked voice is something I never truly experienced. It didn't matter if it was from a stranger. All that matters is I was able to feel something real before I end it all.

"Thank you, Joana. We barely talked but I was happy to feel that I was cared for. Thank you for giving me a chance to talk. Thank you for listening to me."