How long has it been since you first started this cycle of self loathing? It started innocently enough, you meet someone and they seem nice. They lend you games, books and things to watch. Some of it even has a deep impact on you. You aren’t super close to begin with, but with time you both open up and you learn more about them. You learn about their childhood, their family and habits. You then start excusing things that should be addressed. As time goes on you become a bit of a joke to them. They call you out on some of your bad habits so you do the same, but they are unable to handle criticism of any kind. They choose everything, what to do and where to go. After a certain point you tell them you’re sick of having no autonomy in your relationship. You get nothing from them.

You apologize, even though you didn’t say anything wrong. It gets worse, you set boundaries, but it’s quite clear at this point that they don’t care. Then it happens. They start assuming your words, twisting them to fit their own narrative and make you feel worse about simple statements. They take your opinions and throw them back in your face. Their opinions are the only ones that matter. Why do you even open your mouth? Everything they say is so much more important. You become quiet when talking to them, fearing you will say something to upset them. Not that it matters, you always say something that will upset them. That’s the game, to use you as a verbal punching bag.

Before you know it 20 years has passed, they won’t apologize for hurting you. They can’t apologize. Than they would be the bad guy and that would ruin their false image of themselves. You wonder why you wasted 20 years on someone who cares so little about you. The sadness cuts like a knife. You can’t believe you meant so little to them or why a simple apology is so hard. You know they are a coward but you can’t get over it. You’re tired of losing all of the people in your life. One after the next they disappear and leave you alone. It feels like a running gag in your life, it messes with your head. It seems like all future relationships are destined to fail. Everything ends so why do I try?

I try because I can do better. Each time I lose someone I learn more about myself. I’ll keep building stronger and better relationships because of what I know now. These people may be a part of my past but I won’t let them decide my future. I’ll continue to grow and create. I will establish bonds and friendships with others on deeper levels. I’ll find my people and protect and love them with every part of my body and soul. I will set boundaries and find people who will respect them. They will love me for who I am and I will do the same. I will have my autonomy.