I stand at the gate, tears threatening to roll down my face. The ticket in my hand says that boarding starts at 6:00 p.m. It feels heavier than the suitcase. It’s the weight of an unlived life. It’s the one I’m putting here right now.

He made it so easy to love him. Maybe that’s the cruel part. Not the fight that we had yesterday but the beautiful, safe, and quiet life we created together in the studio. The way he knew exactly how I liked my coffee and when I needed it. The way he knew when I needed silence, when I needed a hug from him, and when I needed him to stand behind me while I painted. That was a whole, perfect world.

However, perfect, comfortable, and safe isn’t what I need at this time. Those are stop signs, aren’t they? And I don’t want to stop. I don’t want to look back at this moment and wonder what it would have been like if I had gotten on this flight. And worst of all, I don’t want to ever resent him because I chose to stay. This isn’t about running away from him. It’s about running towards the final, impossible version of myself. The ken that needs London to exist

He asked me if the program was worth us. What do I say to that? I say I don’t know yet. But if I stay, I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to prove that it wasn’t worth it. I’d resent the way his love for me was perfect. Like a coat I couldn’t take off.

The agent is looking at me. They’re waiting

This is it. This is the moment of failure. The moment I become the selfish one. The moment I choose ambition over comfort and certainty. That man and that life were my home. This plain is a metal tube taking me to a cold, thrilling city, but it isn’t home. It will be the place where I finally figure out who I am when I don’t have him as my anchor.

I can feel the distance already. It isn’t just the miles. It is the time difference, the bad calls, the inevitable slow texts. That is how life dies. Not in a scream, but in the silence of an ocean.

I am walking away from the man who I was certain and still believe could be the love of my life so that I can save my truest self. I just hope she’s worth the price I am about to pay.

I take a deep breath, push my shoulder back, and take a slow step towards the counter.