STORY STARTER
For a while your brother was convinced that someone was following him; now he has gone missing.
Continue the story...
Tell Me
I pulled the drawer of Ryan’s desk open so hard it came off the tracks. Journals, cards, pens and tickets from shows and museums spilled onto the floor. I got down on my knees and started to systematically comb through the papers. I picked up a journal and skimmed the few entires in it. Most of the pages were blank. Ryan always had trouble finishing what he’d started. Nothing related to what Ryan had described. I threw the journal down and bits of paper scattered.
How? How could there be nothing here? Ryan had been wigged out all week. He must have kept track of something somehow. My eyes followed a ticket to the museum of death that had landed by his bed.
“Oh, duh!” I raced over to the bed and lifted up the mattress. Nothing but box spring. Box spring. I slipped under the bed and saw a tear in the under fabric. Reaching in I found a little laptop balanced on the cross beams.
Got it. He hadn’t password protected it. Like he wanted someone to be able to access it.
There were a series of video files saved right to the desktop. I opened the first one. It was a video of Ryan sitting at his desk, hands grabbing at his hair. He sighed and his hands moved to grab the back of his neck, anxious.
“I’m not sure I even believe me either,” he said, staring into the camera. “But just in case, I’m going to keep a log of everything I’ve found so far.”
Chills ran down my spine and I paused the video taking a shaky breath. Tears burned in my eyes. He’s tried to tell us. He’d said he had a weird feeling about someone following him. Mom and Dad hadn’t known what to do. The one thing that hadn’t occurred to any of us was to actually listen. And now he was gone.
“Ok, Ryan,” I said, pressing play. “Tell me.”
I really love how you open this- the first line I was hooked! That first paragraph in general was so so good and really put me in the scene with the protagonist. Love your use of language too and how we learn about the brother through the items found in his space.
That said, I think you could’ve stretched the scene out a bit more. You started off very strong, showing the panic and concern through the searching of the room, but once the laptop is found the tension goes a bit flat. We start getting told what’s happening very quickly, which sort of took away from the lovely build up you did in the first half (where the characters actions really spoke to her mindset and what was happening). Maybe try adding a bit more to the transition between the search and starting the video? The final line is such a great finisher, so I’d love to see a bit more of a crescendo in the emotion and suspense to it!
I hope this made sense- it’s been a while since I gave any kind of story feedback, but I really enjoyed this and hope to read more from you in the future!!
Absolutely! I was on a but if “get it done” energy at the end so I definitely see what you’re saying. I’m glad the opening felt strong though! Thanks for the feedback!
