I’d waited so long for this it almost didn’t seem real. i was about to get married. i was about to spend the rest of my life with the man i loved most. i was about to say “i do” to a lifetime of memories and laughter. to children, and pets, vacations and road trips. i couldn’t wait. i had my dress picked out and bridesmaids all lined up. the teenager in me was jittery with excitement. i had dreamt of this day for so long, and now it’s here. it’s today. i’m about to get married. i was hours away from what was probably going to be the best moment of my life. there was no way to prepare for this.

My mom had asked me to go to brunch with her before the wedding (which was at 4) and i said yes, because, it was my last day before i was a married woman. I couldn’t be more excited for this entire day, and it was FINALLY here. I couldn’t believe it. I pulled up to the small café we had decided on and walked in. I saw her, but not as I thought I would. She was stone faced, almost gray.

I had avoided my phone all day, as the usual bride-to-be does; but seeing her face made me whip it out faster than I thought i could. What i saw next made me regret everything i’d ever done today.

30 missed calls.

27 unanswered texts.

I looked at her face once more, and I knew.

He was gone.

Everything was gone.

everything i’d ever waited for, was gone.

in an instant, he was gone.

my whole world, was gone.

never in a million years did i expect this. my mind couldn’t comprehend this, how? why? when? where? with who? did we know for sure? it couldn’t be. no! no no no no no! it wasn’t him. it couldn’t be him.

but it was.

he was gone.

and i had to live.

he was gone. and i had to keep breathing. he wasn’t living, but i had to. he wasn’t blinking, but i had to. he wasn’t smiling, but i had to. he wasn’t breathing, but i had to. he wasn’t sleeping, but i had to. he wasn’t there, but i was.