I was always the one by his side, the shoulder to cry on, the understanding one. I kept my feelings quiet, my hurt, my love, my anger. I was never the one that he looked at. Never the one he loved as more than a friend. So why do I feel nothing but pity for him as he tells me with excited eyes that he loves me.

He tells me that he was stupid and crazy for not realizing that I was the only one for him. He looks at me expecting me to cry and jump into his arms grateful that he finally felt what I felt. Yet the last few months have made me realize I’m worth more than being a consolation prize.

With evey beat that passes his eyes grow scared. I can almost hear his inner monologue as the despair creeps in. “It can’t be…she loves me…she’s always loved me…she wouldn’t reject me…this is Lea…of course she loves me….”

I take a deep breath to speak but the only thing that comes out is “I’m sorry “. He looks confused then petrified and blurts out “you love me”.

I can’t look him in the eyes so I look down and say again “I’m sorry”. I close my eyes to try and regain some strength before looking at him again. This man I’ve loved since I was 14. The one I dreamed would one day say he loved me. Now that dream feels so distant.

“Jake, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t in love with you all these years” I see hope flickering in his eyes. It pains me to crush that hope but I owe him the truth.

“But a lot has changed, I realize now that I was in love with a fantasy.” “But I love you” he whispers. I shake my head and say “I don’t think you do Jake. I think your life has not turned out like you thought so you look to me for comfort. I was your back up plan and you are here to execute it”. My voice broke at the end because I finally said out loud the truth between us. It hurt me to say it but there was also a freedom in acknowledging it.

“Lea please! I love you! I was an idiot and it took me way too long to realize it but I do! And you are the only one I want” he grabbed my hand and begged me to believe him “Please Lea! you’re not a back up plan-you’re the only one!”

I pulled my hand back and said “No. I’m sorry Jake but I can’t do this with you. I need to move on”