I stared at myself in the mirror. “I broke my rules for you!” I shouted, expecting an answer in return. “What have I done?” I questioned.

Two months prior I had started the school year in my classroom for the 10th year. Teaching 7th grade was not for the weak, and I convinced myself all summer I was going to leave. I scoured the internet for job postings, shifting my eyes across the page. _No, not that one. Too far. Not enough money. _I wasn’t just looking for a job; I had a job. I was looking for _alignment. _The feeling that I was finally where I was meant to be, and I had 8 weeks to find it. _What if I don’t find something in time? They can hold my credential in retaliation. _The nightmares got worse as the school year approached.

Suddenly it was the night before the day I had to show up to a job I knew I had outgrown.

I sat in my car and watched as the new hires went into the common space. Teachers lined the wall for bagels and coffee. _God I hate this so much._

I shook my head_._

_I’m going to keep looking. I don’t care if it’s the middle of the year. Yes I do. No, I don’t. I have to take the right opportunity. Only if it’s right._

__

After all, they aren’t _my_ kids, right?

I’ve spent years pleasing others at the expense of myself. I teetered between staying loyal to my job, my students, and choosing myself when I wanted something else.

And that’s what’s led me to this mess. Leaving mid year, and breaking my word. _If you break your word you have nothing. What do you stand for? _I used to ask myself growing up. As I get older, the question continues to change.