When I look in the mirror I see someone being consumed by racing thoughts.

Someone being pushed down by what looks like a thousand tons of pressure and they are almost about to break.

They look like they are barely holding it together.

Like every racing thought is another blow to them. Another ton added to the pressure.

So much pressure they are almost swallowed whole.

Tears welling in their eyes like they are about to break.

When I look in the mirror the being makes eye contact withe me. We stare at eachother intimately. I understand their pain, the pressure, the racing thoughts, the feeling of being almost swallowed whole by emotions and trying to keep it together and my eyes soften. At first I looked at them with fear. With pity. But now I look at the being with understanding and offer a hand and gentle curve up of the corner of my lip. Not too much to be an outright smile but more of a look that says I get it.

When I look in the mirror I see me. my brain. My thoughts racing, pelting me with their blows and the pressure pushing and pushing and pushing until I almost explode. But I can’t be in this forever. I can’t let this other being suffer. Feel pity. Feel the pressure like everything is happening to and around them. So when I look at myself in the mirror, I scream. I scream. I scream. As loud and as animalistic as I can. I scream so hard the tons of pressure on top of the being start to move. So hard the racing thoughts start to fly away. I scream from deep within. I scream till I’m weak and I fall to my knees, my fists balled so hard they start to draw a little blood. I still scream. I scream until I can’t no more. Then, I sit there staring at my reflection with my throat scratchy and shot. My mind numb, my limbs weak. I sit there just staring.

Then a whisper,

the being,

the reflection,

“it’s time to get up now” it says.

I just look at it with tired eyes.

“it’s time for us to get up now”. It repeats.

And I don’t know why but knowing this thing, this being, me, saw me and all the racing thoughts and the pressure, the drowning and decided it is not enough to make me give up. It is not enough to keep me down. To keep me trapped in my brain.

In my own pity.

Made me want to plant my left foot.

Made me grit my teeth and put my hands on the floor and push my self to a knee. Then made me grunt and squint my eyes to get my other foot underneath me until I was standing tall. Lighter. And when I looked back in the mirror I truly saw the creature. It was me but not. We were both standing and it smirked at me. I took a deep breath and when I looked back in the mirror, I smiled back. And mouthed “we are going to be okay”.