Why can’t you understand I want to be loved. I want to be your top priority. I want you to involve me in everything. However I am the most hypocritical. I can’t even open my mouth to let my feelings spew out. I want to tell you, I really do. Everytime I try it’s like a legion of monsters barricade my lips. I promise it’s not you. It’s always been this way for as long as I can remember. I always struggled telling people anything. Whenever I do I choke on my tears and can’t get anything out anyways. This happens a lot with you. Things I should be able to say without a problem. 'Hey I don’t like how you act around your ex' 'Hey my ex is pushing his way into my family' 'Hey I feel like i’m drowning in depression and can’t get out no matter how hard I try'. These things long to escape my head and find reassurance in your ears, but I just can’t do it. I go to open my mouth but it’s as if it has been glued shut. You yell and cry and scream at me to trust you. I promise I do, it’s just hard to say. I don’t mean to make you lash out. I don’t mean to make you hit yourself. I don’t mean to make you hear voices. I just want you to understand I can’t just say things with ease. But when you slammed your hand down I was afraid. Seeing you so angry terrified me. I always knew my never being able to speak up was a problem, but never was it this bad. I felt myself shutting down. Blocking out reality. All of a sudden you wanting to know what was wrong with me turned into me comforting you. You needed me to quiet the voices. I will gladly do anything for you. I would cover my pain for forever if that meant making you happy. If that meant not having you yell at me. If that meant not seeing you cry. I would give it all. And that was the moment that I realized it wasn’t ever the plan for me to make it out alive.