**_You were sweet

I got mean

and when we fight I refuse to eat.

You're sensible.

I'm hating it

what a good job your mother did!

You were kind

I was cruel

in another life maybe I was you

and I grew up into something good somebody who could swallow love

_**_-Silver Spoon Erin LeCount_

_ _My eyes burned as I doomed scrolled through News artical after News article related to Star Chasers. I knew logically this wasn’t healthy, none of what I was doing was honest that healthy. Hell, I doubted I had any healthy coping mechanisms.

Absentmindedly I remembered a conversation with my roommate Shawn telling me he had sent me a list of coping mechanisms to look through. He said when I’m dissociating like this I should look through it and try to find something that works for me. Yet of course when it would be useful to do so, I can’t find the the energy in me to even try and look through such a long list.

**_

“Why do you have to be so bitter all the time, can’t you just be fucking happy for me”

_**My finger lands on a picture of Casp in civilian mode with his arm over Fleix, both grinning like maniacs. The artical was titled:

**_Nine Times Fleix Sinclair and his boyfriend Caspian were couple goals.

_** Below the title their were several photos of them together. One of Caspin being a gentleman and holding the door for his influencer boyfriend. Another of them kissing under the missletoe at a Christmas party. Quite a few of one of the two having fallen asleep on the other in various places. And even one of them on a rooftop spiggitie dinner date.

A scoff bubbled up in my throat as I forced down tears. They were the picture prefect couple, in and out of costume. It honestly made me want to hate them more. Hate Caspin for leaving me alone under the leadership of his stupid dad. Hate Felix for stealing him away. Hate them both for being able to live their lives freely and on their own terms, and how everytime they even so much as smiled in the others direction how it felt like salt was being crammed into the wound forcefully. Oh Gods I just wanted to hate them both more than anything else in this life.

But I couldn’t

And I think that was the worst part about it. As much as Caspin’s ultimate betrayal of everything that had meant to be our destiny, he was still one of the few friends I grew up with, the closest actually. They were the one who snook me snacks when the Lab would deny me super for acting out too much. The one who wouldn’t sleep until I was returned to our shared rooms. The kid who one night broke down to me about how being a girl felt so goddam wrong. The boy I helped cut their hair in secret, and brainstormed new names to go by. He was the boy who, as we got older, would sneak me out past crefuw and fly me on his back to go stargazing in the nearby mountains, and would hold me in his lap as we watched.

The stupid boy I fell for so god damn hard for, it broke my bloody nose.

And Fleix, that boy was most certainly more of an angel than I was. Even with his somewhat grumpy and exentic behavior, he’s still helped more people with his genius and caffeine addiction than I ever had, even before he gained psionic abilities and took up the mantle of Praxis. Even during fights I see how good and kind he is, how he always has extra snacks in his belt for Chase, and water for Matilda. One time I know I saw him run into a burning building because a child dropped their stuffie in the commotion, and returned it to the kid with a bandage around the stuffed rabbits ear where he got sindged a little bit. When interacting with me in both our civis he’s always quite friendly twords me and complimenting me constantly for mostly just doing my job to the point some of my coworkers are convinced he’s flirting with me. Which I know he isn’t, his boyfriend is Caspin for crying out loud, but that doesn’t necessarily stop how my stomach does a flip when he pins me down mid heist before grinning and explaining exactly where I went wrong leading to my capture.

Fine maybe this one time I’ll admit, I did sense the tension between us three, especially when it came to emotions. Weather it be during a chase or when one or both of them were interrogating you, to even the confrontation on the roof.

Which of course leads to messy fights like the one you and Caspian just had. I had already not been in a great mood, work being a exceptionally tedious today and had just wanted to get a simple heist done. Well of course the Star chasers just had to come and foiled those plans, which just caused my overwhelm to rise higher. I don’t remember what Casp said while attempting to upheanded me as Orion, but I remember I snapped back some sinded comment and…well it devolved into a screaming match between the two of us with Slias as Pryix attempting to defuse the situation.

In the heat of the moment I know I had said some pretty nasty things, accusing him being a traitorous bitch who had left abounded me the moment someone prettier and more put together came along. I realized half way as the words left my mouth how cruel my tongue lashing was, but I could stop the verbal diarrhea leaving my mouth. I saw Slials freeze up as Capsin’s face dropped as he replied with;

**_ “Why do you have to be so bitter all the time, can’t you just be fucking happy for me?”

_**Those words had of course cut me deeper than any man made weapon, as I was quick to retreat. At some point in my world wind of emotions I had ended up at this bus stop that I currently was disosciating hard on as I scrolled through my phone that was continuously throwing salt upon the wound at every photo of Casp and Slias being happy together.

**_

_**My pity party came to an abrupt halt when a speeding cars drove by quickly through a large puddle, splashing the water all over me before I got a chance to sheild myself. This caused another wave of tears to come crashing down as I had another stupid meltdown.

(I’m kinda stuck here, I’ll probably come back to finish it, but the main idea is that Slias is probably gonna come over with an umbrella and just kinda talk to her. Also I can’t come up with meaningful enough thing for Caspin to say. Also the plan is the three do all end up together in the very end)

_ _