It's really hard trying to understand something you don't understand. Searching through sand for an object you don't know. You just know it's somewhere in there. 

Every so often you find something and think “this must be it”. You leave the beach, telling yourself you are satisfied with what you found. Yet you go about your day wondering if this is really what I wanted. Your assumed beloved rides on your shoulder, guiding you where you think you wanted to be. 

Soon the dread begins to sink back in, your search isnt over. Back to the sand you go. Digging and digging. Searching for something that is, again, intangible.

You find so many things that feel like the right answer. You follow their compass, but eventually the path is wrong. Some are nearly right and you follow for longer. An image starts to take shape. Each item sits on a shelf and from time to time you take them back down. Convincing yourself they may have been the right answer all along.

The dread is never far away.

Yet each time the image gets stronger and stronger. Little things bring a spark of joy that point you to what you are searching for. Yet, fear always keeps you from that true moment of clarity. Fog hiding the beacon you keep searching for. 

Till you find yourself on the beach. Sand warm and dry, rubbing your skin smooth. A breeze caressing your face, welcoming you home. Looking up for the first time to see the clouds and the sun gazing, watching over you everytime you came searching. A peace like nothing you have ever felt. Your answer and change finally coalesce into the life you were meant to live.