Why did she have to say that? Why did you have to do that? I just wanted to be better.

Olivia pondered about the event that had just occurred. She walked up to her heartbroken grandmother, at her grandfather’s memorial and told her to “Be better. I’m better because I’m not crying.” She was only a 20 year old girl who’s throat hurt deeply saying those words. She knew they were wrong coming out of her mouth. Out of anyone’s mouth really.

Her grandmother replied with “Oh you shut your mouth when all you can do is hook up with random men. How about I just tell everyone here about last month.”

Olivia stepped back in surprise. Her grandmother had just been sobbing and now she was all better? But wait, what was that she said? No, Olivia knew her grandmother would never share what happened last month.

“Mami no. Please just, forget I said anything.”

“You should have thought about respecting your elders.”

Olivia realized that all she could do was step back and take responsibility of her actions.

The rest of the dreadful night Olivia had cousins, aunts, brothers in law come up to her and ask what happened last month. She had to reply with “Nothing happened last month. Mami simply misunderstood a stituation that is non of your business.”

Last month Mami was in denial about Papi’s death. She was on a vacation that Olivia’s parents seggested. Olivia took advantage of the now empty house and brought a guy in. The guy was a coworker of her job as a manager at Jet’s Pizza. This specific coworker was battling a divorce and had no home to go back to. They had no where to sleep and Olivia took him to the guest room. Mami wasn’t supposed to be back for days but walked in to see Olivia and the coworker snuggled in bed.

Olivia jumped up and said “It’s not what it looks like!”

“I cannot believe you would use your Papi’s death to sleep with boys!”

“Mami, it’s not that! Justin neede—“

“I don’t care what Justin needed. I need closure. I couldn’t get on the plane without him. Why did he have to die?!” Mami was on the floor now, hands above her head pointing to heaven.

“Jesus! How could you let this happen?!” Mami was crying now and wouldn’t let go of the carpet.

“You made this house and I have to live in your emptyness!”

“Mami, you need to stand up. Got o bed. Get some rest and just let Justin stay one night.”

Justin was still in the bed, staring at the situation and observing how Olivia picked up her grandmother while carefully supporting her back and grabbing her cane.

“I will not let a boy stay in my home!”

“Here Mami,” Olivia handed over the cane. “Get rest and take your vitamins. Have you taken them today?”

“How can I do a daily routine without him?”

“Mami, life goes on. We are all grieving but we need to adjust. I get that it may take time but—“ Olivia said in as calm a voice as one can do but Mami quickly interrupted.

“Don’t tell me what to do! Those vitamins do nothing!”

“The vitamins make you happier! You have to take them. It will make all of this easier.”

Mami was practically growling at Olivia as she demanded “Get out of my house and take that boy with you!”

Olivia left and kept wondering why she would only call Justin “boy.” Maybe it was that if she called him “man” that would feel too close to Papi. At this point everything felt too close to Papi.

The whole situation with the memorial and last month was like a bumper car. You go in hot and hit the other person hard. The next thing you know, you are faced with consequences and to do it all over again.