The flowers had been beautiful, exaggerated bouquets of white roses intermingled with green accents had lined the isle. Only half an hour ago I’d been among them while standing by the alter with my back to the seated throngs of family, friends, and distant relations.

The floral sweet perfume was dizzying, I placed my fingers to my temple to steady the ship. Maybe my tie was too tight? Or the moment too great? It certainly felt altogether surreal, the prospect of marrying the love of my life certainly seemed to be an incredible achievement. The swell of happiness only seemed to make my head spin faster.

That moment, the dizzying heights of unbridled joy as the doors to the future seemed to have been flung open. Incandescent possibilities beamed across my mind as the light beamed through the stained glass lining the church, casting a series of cascading rainbow waterfalls all around us. The colour washed the gothic nave, terraforming it into a place of magic. Nothing could have gone wrong in that room, and it didn’t.

I turned to my best man, his knowing look told me all I felt was plastered upon my face. Without a word he tilted his watch to me. Ten minutes to go… the bustle of the room faded away.

I never thought I’d get married. Whenever anyone had asked what it is I envisioned for myself marriage had never factored into it. I saw a career I found desirable, my family still close-knit, and my life open to all it’s possibilities. I wanted to see the world, it was only when I met Mike that I saw the world in him. I saw it in his eyes; in the joy he found in each day, in his unrelenting desire to seize all that this life had to offer. I knew I wanted to do it all by his side.

The room melted back around me, I was alone, my best man had wandered away to greet guests. How long now? Eight minutes? Five? Was he about to walk through the door?

I should have known something was wrong, that there had been a bomb underneath my feet the whole time. I missed all the signs, I don’t even believe there were any. I’ve racked my brain since the walls came crashing down and yet all I can conjure is myself, buried and lost. I hope they don’t find me, let me lament. Leave me beneath the ruins of the life I endeavoured to build. Now I’m more aligned with the pathetic remnants of a half built project, abandoned to flounder and rot.

I can taste iron, I’ve been biting my tongue. Let me lament, the metallic taste don’t bother me.

What do I remember? I remember finally turning to the room, bright faces plastered with Venetian masks of rainbow light greeted me. I remember noticing my best man was nowhere to be seen. I remember being annoyed he’d chosen this moment to go for a smoke, really? With only five minutes to go?

I began making my way through the isle, aunts lightly touching my hand, offering their blessings, their big hats like low-hanging chandeliers blocking my path. I spun on the spot as the ordainer stopped me in my tracks. I can’t recall what he said, his mouth was moving and I was certainly nodding along but it’s all lost in a haze.

The same sun that now hides behind a cloud greeted me as I walked outside, perhaps it had been trying to warn me.

Mike’s brother was by the door, a cigarette in hand, why was he here already? Was Mike here? He had an alarming look on his face, stumbling over his words as I told him I was looking for my best man. He may have fumbled behind me as I wandered around the corner, my heart beating lightly in my throat.

I stopped. My heart stopped. What did I see?

Mike, his eyes closed. His hands running through my best man’s hair. His trousers around his ankles.

Neither saw me.

Mike moaned slightly as my best man kissed his neck. The whole scene was obscene, I felt as if I were watching two animals in the wild, their disheveled state of undress and passionate sounds pieced my chest, each gasp twisted the blade.

I was falling, plunged like pebble into a lake of hellfire, tortured by the blaring sun above.

Neither saw me leave.