Leroy opened up his journal and clicked the pen open. The nib glided across the lined paper as each memory came to him in waves of pain. He wrote.

We grew up without a mother. She died after I turned 9 years old, leaving me, my 6 year old brother Levi and our father as a family of three. “Cancer,” dad had said that day when he broke the news to us. I’ve remembered that word ever since. Cancer. Before he left for the first time, dad had called it a poison that ate at you from the inside. The poison of cancer spread throughout the body, until eventually everything was poisoned and there was naught else anyone could do. Mum had refused chemo therapy, and instead chose to allow ‘God’ to do as he saw fit. Did ‘God’ truly work with poison? Whatever. Did ‘God’ really want a 6 year old kid to be raised by a 9 year old one? Whatever. I did it anyway.

Dad had come and gone ever since mum passed. I remember a time when I was small and I saw dad smiling and happy, laughing as he walked through the park with mum and I. Levi hadn’t been born then, so he had never seen dad happy the way I had and he probably never will. I guess you could say I’m desirous at this point, and I mean the point of actually wishing every night that dad would just come home. He doesn’t have to stay, but I wish that he’d just visit. Not for me, but for Levi. If you can hear me writing this somehow, dad, please, come home…

I’m 19 now… Levi just turned 16. He’s becoming a man, and he’s taller than me. It’s been 5 years since either of us saw dad. He walked out that day and he never came back. Whenever Levi mentions it, whether its about mom or dad, I just snap. Levi says whenever he mentions either of them that my forehead gets all creased and my eyebrows furrow, but I don’t think that’s true. I defend my dad, every time i defend him. Telling my little brother that he’ll probably never see his dad ever again is too much for me to be able to handle.

Levi’s got a girl now. He’s done great in school and he’s ready to move out of Bakersfield and over to Wisconsin. I gotta admit that I’m a little jealous. Not only has he managed to get a spot in a top college, but the guy can hold down a girlfriend. She’s hot too!

Me? I’ve bounced from job to job since I was 16 and the money dad left dried up. Its been tough but, I got through it. At least its been enough to get Levi into college and food on the table. But maybe now he’s not gonna need me, what with his girlfriend and fancy college.

This will be my last entry before I leave…I feel the poison in my own veins. Mom’s poison. When she chose not to fight, she poisoned me and she poisoned dad, not in the body but in the mind. Now I think we’re both probably creased version of what we could have been. But never mind, if there’s anything I wish for in life, its that my family are happy. I hope your happy dad, wherever you are.

Leroy closed the journal and hid it in the safe place dad taught them as kids, behind the cupboard under the floorboard.

Leroy turned the ignition to his motorcycle and felt the engine purr. He took one final look at his family home. He felt his forehead with a finger and laughed. “Whaddya know, it is creased.”

That was first and the last time Leroy left home.