WRITING OBSTACLE
Write a character's internal monologue that includes an example of stream of consciousness.
Stream of consciousness is a literary technique that represents the flow of a character's thoughts and feelings as they occur in real time, without logical order or punctuation.
The Deadlift
40 kilograms, plus bar. Shiny with dull bits. Cold. Grip. Chafe. Don't sweat it. 'WE' won't, because the chaff falls off.
Funny that I can slip into two people. Good cop, bad cop. A couple of diehards. It gets loud though, like a zealous mom at a PTA. The screamer, always got something to say.
Gah! So heavy!
Or tell yourself it's light, and it'll be just that!
Pff! I guess for now, it's heavy.
All pressure. Deadlift. Lift dead weight. "HEV-ee." I'm a ‘hybrid electric vehicle’. Heave and hold for ten. Firm—no, solid. Yes, solid and hold. Whole and complete.
But dead.
The heaviest anything can be, is un-alive. For some, that's inside, somber or complex or... unwanted. That's heavy too. Limp grey body, with thick outlines. It's a sketch. A still animation. Lifeless. Bloated with air.
I'll give you life yet! At its heaviest point—the point in which gravity meets 'matter at its fullest'. This is heaviest.
Wow, grubby hands.
Land this one. All about the bend, in the right places.
Do I need more bends? Hips, knees, ankles. Not stiff, not swollen. "Rheumy lids"—he wrote “Rheumy lids” (ooh, a titter)—image was on point—I liked that. Titter…
Gimme guilt, I laughed. I can own that. Or did I chuckle? "Chuckle", sucks to chuckle. The 'Chuckie' of all laughter. They should ban 'the Netflix "chuckle"'. I should work for Netflix, for the betterment of...
(Clang.) A wobble, no biggie.
Clanking iron—screw them on tighter! So ugly and intrusive. Intruse—intru—doesn't take much. Callow. Callowness. Car. Where was I?
Make that clang melodious! Frame it! give it boundaries, structure and strength! Forever, be strong. With a longevity of say, the Eiffel Tower. Stand tall and fixed. Iron maketh the man—well, a type of man. A Beef-cake?
Strip that down, and we're back to bare bones.
Toned. is. The. Goal. Straighten that back. Expel and breathe. Keep it smooth. Let go of that bloating, second-hand air.
So weird, I'm aware! Gah—what am I getting from this? Bend, bend, tick, tick… You're a robot. Shiny with joints that don’t creak. I'm "Johnny five, is alive!" 'Consistency is key'.
All this, from a dead-LIFT?
Gotta write that down.
Put it down. And put it down!
(Clunk.)
Now that is an opening paragraph alright!🤯
✨‘The screamer, always got something to say.’✨
I love the play of the two distinct voices here- ‘Gah! So heavy!… it’s heavy.’
Well placed- ‘But dead.’
Ooooooo!!!!!!🤩’For some, that’s inside, somber or complex or… unwanted.’🤩
Image exploitations!🤩✨🤯’That’s heavy… Bloated with air.’🤯✨🤩
Jarring with the sudden detraction of power- ‘Wow, grubby hands’- its so matter of fact it makes the reader sit up and pause, trying to comprehend the power rush from before.
‘All about the bend, in the right places.’- there’s something about this I like, but I can’t put my finger on it.
Okay, okay, I’m going to pause here and take a deep breath; Fragglet, I think this piece dispels all of your doubts about writing. You have to realise how good you are, you have the fine art of tossing the reader around the thoughts of the protagonist- not an easy thing to do (even I struggle with that) but you do it with such ease! You are in full control, pushing forward and pulling back with a slam of the breaks, or flipping the voice from ponderous to self-deprecation!
There’s a touch of childish delight here in just the right balance- ‘(Clang.)…A beef-cake?’
Short sentences are genius!
And then you gently stop the piece with not a full stop but a skilful ‘(Clunk.)’.
Fragglet, Fragglet, Fragglet, what do I have to say to make you see your writing power and talent? This, yes your thoughts, is a different side to you, yet very authentic! I don’t care about the technicalities, the punctuation and grammar, I’m here for the sparkle of your words and did they shine? No, they exploded in luminescence!!!!
Oh my — this is awesome feedback! Thanks so much for making time.
Appreciate you picking out the “play” between voices. Good friends, but often like squabbling sisters. 😂 They’ll discount each other, validate each other and literally play ‘a game of wills’.
Also, “detraction of power”. Nice spot. I couldn’t have explained that any better! 🙏🏼 Feels similar with “Whole and complete. But dead.”
You mentioning ‘The excess of power and its abrupt detraction, made me think about the correlation between thought and the requirements of the physical lift. For example, were my thoughts choppy, extreme… because my body was under stress? Like the million things that run through the mind on a busy, or stressful day.
Might track my internal dialogue during a ‘relaxing bath’…or whilst ‘eating cake’. See if my mind sails with. 😂 The sisters, ‘Resistance’ and ‘Compliance’ would have a field day over cake!
Thanks again for going through this and sharing your thoughts! 💯Superstar⭐️🙏🏼
Wonderful piece, as ever, Fragglet! Ah, the majestic un-alive lift—one of my favourites. This piece resonated with me: the flighty ideas that just won’t hush.
I agree with you that the AI suggestions on punctuation didn’t make sense to me. You’ve used punctuation to enhance that choppy, changing nature of a thought. E.g. “Firm—no, solid. Yes, solid and hold.” And for me, I was pausing exactly where I thought I should, so I don’t think any additional punctuation is needed. There’s a nice mixture of commas, full stops, em dashes and ellipses.
I adore this paragraph: “The heaviest anything can be […] Bloated with air.” ✨
“Wow, grubby hands.” Perfectly placed in a standalone paragraph.
Rheumy lids 😂 😉
“The Chuckie of all laughter” Appreciated the wit here.
“Make that clang melodious!” 🏆
Stripping the beef-cake down to bare bones 👏 👏
The clunk in brackets: great way to bring the stream of consciousness to the forefront.
Love getting a flavour of what goes through your head. Bravo!
Thank you so much! 💯 The AI’s punctuation comment nearly had me researching online courses! 🤣 It’s clear where my confidence cracks.
“The Netflix chuckle”: used for the slightest lift of lip—and roaring laughter. You’d think they’d mix it up? Pet peeve disclosed! 😊
Gosh, imagine internal dialogue externally ‘amped’. My internal dialogue is a chatter box—chatty ‘bot’. Always running in the background. Usually with zero filters. 🤣
Thanks again for your keen eye. 🔥
I already can’t agree with the AI! What a full image: “…like a zealous mom at a PTA. The screamer, always got something to say.” LOUD and clear image!😁
Great *trio*: “All pressure. Deadlift. Lift dead weight.” And then nicely placed: “‘HEV-ee.’”And then the jamming consciousness in the next 4 sentences/ phrases!🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼
✨🏛️F🏛️✨: “All about the bend, in the right places.// Do I need more bends? Hips, knees, ankles. Not stiff, not swollen. ‘Rheum lids’…”
Simple and perfectly placed: “Where was I?”
✨🏛️F🏛️✨ “A Beef-cake?// Strip that down, and we’re back to bare bones.” Fantastic line!
I’m sure the punctuation here disturbed the AI!: “Tones. is. The. Goal.”🤪😂
Perfect: “(Clunk.)”
Do you think AI can fully understand and enjoy: 🏛️F🏛️? I know I do!
…your first sentence. 😂 My interest peaks when discussing its ability to unpack abstract thinking.
I’d prefer AI to no feedback.
It helped me in as much as, offering suggestions I can apply in other projects. I guess, all feedback is good feedback. If only to toy with different ideas, or to show me the things I dislike! Thanks so much for casting a creative eye and sharing your energy! 🔥🥰
(The “rheumy lids” was ALL @jayswrites. A beautiful image. 🔥 My mind kept going back to it for days! It’s now etched in my brain. 🤣
It's impressive that you can write a character's internal monologue with such detail, which makes this piece quite enjoyable to read.
To help make this piece even more expressive, consider using more sensory details to bring the character’s thoughts to life. Describing what they can see, hear, smell, taste, and feel will help make the reader feel like they’re living in their body as well.
While stream of consciousness writing should be without punctuation, consider adding some since it will make certain ideas or feelings stand out stronger on the page. For example, use punctuation after longer pauses in dialogue or thoughts - consider adding commas, semicolons, or dashes to indicate when the character pauses or changes thought.
Overall you are creating a strong piece with lots of potential – keep up the great work!
For me, the comment about punctuation didn't compute, but grammar isn't my forte. I've requested a pair of human eyes to take a look and further explain.
This was a tricky piece! Like real life, the character's sole goal is to exclude all intrusive thoughts, clear the mind. Focus.
For this reason, I mentioned a limited amount of sensory information. For example "cold." The cold bar is the first thing touched, but the last place I'd want my mind to rest. Likewise with "clang" and "Shiny with dull bits". But they are unavoidable (sensory) intrusions, because they are part of ‘the set up’. The tools.
Over describing external things, means 'your head is not in the game'. ‘A bad rep’. (Yup, mentally running through a 'shopping list' whilst working out, also misses the mark!)
For the purpose of the brief, external sensory intrusions are less than fleeting. Reigned in with speed.
This piece was real—sharing my train-of-thought, during a rep. I forgot a few bits, but tried to keep the translation as true as possible.
More storyline or location, would defo shape the (level of) external intrusions. But I cut all that out and set the piece to 'all thoughts between one rep'. No story, no location, no time stamp. World building is 'in-head'.
The objective, was to shun external intrusions, but that's not the fight (or main story🤪).
I wanted to highlight the real intruder in the room. 'My' internal running commentaries.
😈👿
The pair abide by the rule that says "don't focus on what's going on out there (no smell, no hearing…). Internalise! Focus on muscle memory!" So they yak about the body—the pain, the gain—and memories. Spewing a rollercoaster ride of 'yesterdays and tomorrows', yada yada.
I wanted to relay 'a real experience'. And show the struggle and randomness of internal monologue, when set within a rigid frame.
If the piece was a longer sequence, less rigid, or the location were a sweaty gym—yes—I'd apply more sensory details—definitely!
The smell of metal was a missed opportunity. During 'the real rep', it didn't spring to mind.
Love the feedback. 🙌🏼 Very useful. Thank you! 🔥
(Let’s see what the AI makes of internal monologue. 🤣)
