Entry 1 - Lily age 6 - April 17th 2013

Dear diary, today at my appointment with my therapist, she told me to write to my future. She wanted me to do this to show my future self how much I’ve grown. Which I don’t want to do because it’ll take forever.

Anyways Mrs. Tyke has been trying to get me to talk about the event. I suppose I’ll write about it in here, just not today.

Entry 6 - Lily age 10 - May 4th 2018

While looking through my room to rearrange it, I rediscovered this diary. I never wrote in it much but I started to read and I started to tear up. Wow, I was never good at opening up. Even to an inanimate object. I think I’ll start writing in here again. I never did explain what happened.

I suppose it started when my biological mom left to pick up a few groceries. My dad had been harboring a strange look. It turned out he was holding in an anger. I don’t even know why, even years later.

He looked at me in a strange but terrifying way. I started to shake. He grabbed me and started to squeeze. His hands slid to my neck and he choked me.

I’m sorry, I can’t.

Entry 9 - Lily age 14- April 26th 2022

My dad is getting out of jail next week. He’s getting out in good behavior. I don’t know if I want to think about it. I hate him.

I hate his stupid face. I hate his sickly sweet smile. I hate his crinkling eyes. I hate every little bit and piece of him.

But I think I hate myself too.

I think I always have, I’ve just been too scared to admit it. I reread this diary again and I can tell through my writing, I can see through the eyes of my past. I’ve always hated myself.

When my dad tried to kill me, then ended up taking me. He held me in his car trunk for days, I had scratches and bruises and trauma. I’ve gotten better though.

Maybe I should start writing again. I probably won’t, I never really liked it.

Entry 2 - Lily age 6 - April 20th 2013

I’m gonna try to write some of my thoughts today.

I’m angry and sad and exhausted and happy? I’m happy with my mom. She’s nice and comforting. She knows how to be better than Dad. I love her.

But I’m angry that my Dad was able to hurt me. I’m sad that I’ll never see him the same again. I’m exhausted of the fake sweet smiles and pitying looks.

I think I’m angry and sad and exhausted about who I am too. Probably not though, I couldn’t be.

TRIGGER WARNING—TALKS OF SH AND SUIC@DE.

Please contact someone if you deal with any of this!

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Entry 12 - Lily age 17 - July 10th 2025

She looked at my arms today. Her look of disappointment scared me. I hate this. I hate me. Maybe I should try it. Maybe I should write the notes. Maybe I will. I should.

I don’t want to hurt my younger self like this, especially not when her presence is in this book. I miss the simpler days. Even though they sucked.

I don’t want to hurt my mom but I need to hurt me. I always will. Maybe I should. You know what? I will.

My last entry - A letter to my past

Dear me, I know you’ll never read this but I wish to apologize. I’m sorry that I’m ending your future early. I’m sorry you’ll never be an adult.

My arms are sore and my eyes are tired, my whole body is tired. My soul is tired.

Goodbye, my past.

Entry 14 - Lily age 17 - August 2nd 2025

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