I left the cafe, half expecting to see her, half disappointed. It’s an unrealistic thought that she’d appear, dug out of her own grave- not even an actual one, simply stuffed underground and compacted with cold, dry dirt- pulled onto her feet and clocked into her shift. To see her working her marvelous hands that prepares peoples days with a cup. Headed to the office, school full of students, going home to the wife: Alicía will make your coffee with total care and intentionality. Maybe this is the grief talking. They say it comes in waves, randomly splashing over you, drowning you of reality and into the deep ocean of remembrance. My hand dug into the crown of her head, fingers in between the chunks of hair I grabbed. The other scattered on the wall, stilling my body, allowing balance so that I can push her deeper into the lukewarm water. I think Alicía was filling up a bath for us both, a night of romance interrupted. My tempter unkempt, uncooled, I simply couldn’t stop myself. It’s not like I think about it constantly, that night. It’s something my mother always tells me to move on from, it was an accident. She’s found peace. And at times, I truly believe her. That there is some alternate life to this one, somewhere where she isn’t prisoned by unhinged men, a seemingly essence of comfort, maybe a place where she reconnects with her mom. I guess that's what they call heaven. But if heaven is supposedly real, Alicía isn't there. Beneath her innocent and warm appearance, Alicía was also driven by a type of hurt that'll make you do unethical things. Alicía was terrible at confrontation, her fear stilled her like a brick wall. Her lies were just as sturdy. She’d turn every corner, making you run in circles before you could ever catch up to her. Her lies connected at the very end, after a year of you running endlessly. And when she'd confess, well, you start to understand my actions a little better. The cheating, the lying, the make believe, all of it just vomited and landed on new clothes. What heaven will accept the cold actions of Alicía Willbert? In the end, as painful and nauseous as it makes me feel to admit, Luke warned me of something accurate the first time we met. She’s definitely not worth it.