When I was a child all I ever felt was hate,

Like I was born with a destiny that had no fate.

Just a cruel game life dealt and continuously played,

Just a soul in the shade that prayed as I started to fade.

A puppet on strings cracked and frayed,

I walk through life like I’m unafraid.

Yet haunted by the echoes that left me betrayed,

In my mind they stay as they continue to invade.

My life, heart, mind, soul and everything I am,

Just collective dust behind the door that’s been slammed.

Living this life of Hell in God’s Holy Land,

I try to get up, take a fucking stand.

This trauma and brainwashing is rotting what’s in my head,

I’m choking I can’t catch my breath.

This shit’s got me scared to death,

Like an addiction to meth it continues to invade.

I turn to put an end to it but it hides and evades,

I tried talking to God, I even kneeled and I prayed.

My soul is in the shade where I’ll continue to stay.

He turned my heart into a black fucking spade,

Shit stalks my every memory like a hunter with his prey.

Turning anything beautiful into a twisted display,

It’s overtaking me I have no say so I must obey.

I fly into a rage of lying, stealing and constant betray,

Towards myself and others every-fucking-day.

My life is a stage where I’m forced to play,

My part while my heart melts away!

I’m scared, hurt, ashamed and tired,

From all the times in my life I’ve been tortured.

Filled with horror I try to move forward,

Before everyone sees I’m puzzled and bothered.

Gotta keep this shit on lockdown before I’m in a psyche ward,

I’m non compos mentis, burning in a furnace!

It’s rewiring my circuits just beneath the surface,

I pen my life in these tragic verses.

Hoping against hope that I can control these urges,

I’m a single edged sword with no other purpose.

Than to betray the ones I love proving in worthless,

A burnt winged fallen Angel just like Icarus.

My wings catch on fire when I walk into churches,

As I get older this shit keeps spreading like it’s cancerous!

Everyone likes me now but they don’t know I killed their happiness,

I started young and alone just trying to fill this emptiness!

This dark nothingness is all consuming,

I’m as mad as a march hare, extremely rare and very insidious!

It’s taken control by surprise a hidden recruiting,

I’m away with the fairies and off with the bats in the belfry!

These urges of mine aren’t very friendly,

They make me do and think things to break people’s trust in me.

I’m just broken detached fragments within the debris,

Don’t worry I’ll shatter everyone’s heart again that’s a guarantee!!

I’m a wrecker of lives don’t you see,

I’m on a destructive path stuck on repeat.

I act like nothings wrong as I lay in defeat,

I scratch, claw, beg and scream!!!

When everything I touch I plant a seed,

When it grows teeth and feeds, your insides start to bleed!

When all my blue blood turns red I’ll finally be free,

Till then I’ll wade faceless through a sea of faces!

Sister addicted to pills, Dad and brother alcohol takes there place,

My mom pills as well as a ghost what a disgrace!

They lie about everything and it gets stuck in my head and plays for days,

Replaying and morphing into unimaginable ways.

Unfamiliar voices speak taking me over with mask covered faces,

At times my mind rewinds as memories replace thoughts in my brain!

Making me react from an unwanted impulse,

I am but a carved out hollow vessel.

Repeating what they did to me my whole life I’m not special,

I wasn’t born from the breath of God that shit was unsuccessful.

I was born from the breath of fire from the Devil,

I try to be good but that shit is making me go mental!

It consumes me the lying, drinking, pill popping and stealing,

I lie to everyone and I sound so convincing.

They have no idea what my mind is concealing,

I steal pills from loved ones who need them blaming it on someone else I’m deceiving.

It’s so natural and out of control I can’t believe they believe me,

In the midst of deceit I find relief.

Idk why I do this why is this happening,

I put knives in their backs as I’m wrapped in grief.

Is it because of the memories that keep on cackling,

The shadows that follow me never want to leave.

The thoughts we think come true and create our reality,

When my wife was expecting and our two children died!

I believe it was me that put an end to their beginning!

I wasn’t ready to be a father I was the dark in the night.

I’m a breath that sighed when I heard their cemetery symphony!

I was still too much like my family and didn’t think I was ready and death complied,

With the work he does performed efficiently!!

On those two fateful nights my wife cried and cried,

The weight of what I think I’ve done kills me inside.

I withdrew deeper into myself where I continue to hide,

I’m the hell of a forgotten man.

I’m afraid to voice my thoughts for what if they hate me for what I am,

A man walking among the free in this land where I’m condemned.

How can they still loved me when myself I can’t even stand,

I feel like I caused it, it was my fault.

Till now I kept it all locked up in a vault,

I try to forget but it’s rotting my thoughts.

Tainting my soul with all I’ve been taught,

I know it’s probably not true but it’s tearing me apart!

I withdraw in myself caught in a cycle of destruction,

While it keeps growing within like and infection.

I don’t even know I can still function,

It’s probably the pills I steal with my haunting addiction.

I stare in the mirror but I can’t see my reflection,

These addictions are addictive like a poltergeist that’s took possession.

Of my heart, soul, body and mind,

In control of all I thought was supposed to mine.

Making me do stuff to hurt others why?

I’ve been burned and broken all my life,

I keep pushing on just trying to survive.

But I keep getting caught in lie after lie,

I don’t mean to I can’t help it I’m a puppet on a string,

Frayed on all ends I’m not alive not even a thing.

I still try to run but can’t get away,

Wherever I go there I am and so are they.

Telling me what to do and what to say,

They say they aren’t going anywhere they’re here to stay.

The painting of my life is poorly traced,

Without a solid base I’m just an after thought misplaced.

I lay around doing nothing what a waste,

My life is written in pencil half erased.

I’m done for now the rest will have to wait!

—ŤerryŞalmon—