TW: cussing 

People who can’t trust, can’t be trusted.

I stood there, staring into the abyss and thinking, wondering where I went wrong. How’d I get here, what led it so far from my path; how I get so far from something so close?

Contemplating what to do next: retracing steps, crying, throwing shit. Why’d they all turn their backs on me, how I was the villain in this story? I thought back to the previous day when I let Julie borrow my pen and just asked for it back, how I let Kyle borrow my book, or how I let Alyssa borrow my notes. None of them gave anything back to me, so I took it back—things I needed to get work done.

Was that why they’d abandon me? Over simple little things, MY things. No, they were my best friends it had to be something different, something more built up after all we’ve been friends for years. 

Thinking back to the last few weeks over the period, every time they’d borrow something they’d forget to give it back for a bit until I had to snatch it back. They’d start talking in Spanish so I couldn’t understand them, and they’d point at me and say “¿Qué vamos a hacer para su fiesta de cumpleaños?” (Translation: what are we doing for her birthday party?) I’m sure they were shit-talking behind my back about me being 19 in my senior year. 

They were plotting against me, they were going to expose me and use me. I had to do something… so I started slowly leaking our chats to outsiders. They soon found out Kyle was gay and that Alyssa was also 19 as a senior. That Julie was the one who started talking shit about the school's mascot. Little things at first, then the other things. Like Kyle was in an abusive household, or that Julie is a bop, Alyssa was a virgin even though she claimed she wasn’t. 

Little things.

They can’t be trusted. 

I had to betray them. They were going to betray me. Just like my family, how my dad said he’d be back and that he had to pick something up. He never returned but found his car totaled. How my mom sent me to foster care because she couldn’t stand me asking where dad went, or that I reminded her too much of him. She started drinking with my older sister. None of them cared.

I had to betray them before they could hurt me again. My mom always told me to not trust anyone. Why am I the villain? I’m the victim.