John asked me, "So what about you, man? No wife or partner, no kids, no situationship or throuple?" He grinned, mischievously.

I sighed. "Not exactly. I'm in love."

"See, I knew it." John chuckled. "You have love in your heart. You have so much to give, Deacon, I'm happy you found someone to share it with."

I nodded. "I'm in love with several women."

He cocked his head quizzically. "Say that again?"

"It's… weird." I explained slowly. I'm in love with several women. Greta and Mariana, of course."

John crossed his arms across his chest. "Everyone's in love with them. I'm in love with them."

I continued. "Whitney and Cordelia, Amber and Tanya."

"Wait, are these real people?" John asked. "Where do you find the time?"

"There's our friends from college, and there's a couple women that I've met along the way." I said. "It's not like it sounds. I never see any of them. We have this text relationship, with some emails, some voice messages, occasionally an actual phone call, and that's it. We tell each other we love each other, and I daydream about them. It doesn't get further or deeper than that."

John shook his head. "Are you just telling me about your friends? It's fine if you tell your friends, you love them. It doesn't mean you're in some kind of new category of relationship or a hive mind. They're just your friends, and that's OK. You don't have to marry them."

I took a deep breath. "I'm just starting to think that I'm maybe misleading them? Or lying to myself. It makes me feel like I have the secret girlfriend, but I don't need anything or want anything from them. And if they want something else from me, they haven't told me."

John said, "Maybe it's some kind of emotional affair. How does Nelson feel about you talking to Greta?"

I wrung my hands and bounced in my chair. "He doesn't know about it, I don't think he does anyway. He wouldn't like it, not just because he's married to Greta. He's really still hung up on Mariana, but she won't even take his calls."

He took a deep breath and asked: "The more important question, are you happy? Does this fulfill you?" John always knew how to get deep.

I answered, "I don't know. I still feel like the worst and most difficult things in my life, I go through them alone. There's no one to sit with me when I visit my Dad when he gets hospitalized. There's no one to call in the middle of the night to my soul with. But I see people kissing and hugging and I don't even desire it. It just seems like a lot. I like my space. Take Marianna. She's this beautiful angel in my mind and heart, smart, sexy, and funny. As soon as we're together, I'm sure we're each going to be the one who ruined the other's life. It's only good until it's real."

John offered me a stick of gum; I declined and he popped one in his mouth. "Something is bothering your conscience. Who are you lying to? Who are you hurting? These are needs you have that are getting met, even if it doesn't look conventional."

I smiled. "John, you were talking about hiding your femininity before; maybe I conceal mine by dividing it. I got shamed so many times for saying what I really wanted that I just stopped saying it, starting wanting less, staying busy, focusing on other things. Being told, 'you're just such a man,' in so many words. I found the parts that were safe and the boundaries I could stick with."

He looked me in the eye. "I'm no psychic, Deacon, but I have to suspect that someone hurt you really, really bad to make you feel like this."