…It was a fervent scream…

«HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA !!!! DISSAPEAR, DISSAPEAR, JUST DISSAPEAR NOW !!!!! »

…Overflowing with pain, frustration and wrath.

It wasn’t just any random or cliché scream that anyone thought it was. It was the product of constant strain and pushing, where taking advantage is wihthin the rules.

———————

The grey carpeted floor was strong and dull. The weather was not being helpful either to elevate the scenery. No one could understand or be of support of what I was feeling expect for God who was there waiting for me to hold into his hand.

I don’t believe that crying is for the weak, in fact I think it’s a great way to flush out strong emotions. But——- shedding tears would be shameful of me if there aren’t shed for God.

I feel like a bird in a cage, it’s hard to breathe and hard to break free. I want to DISSAPEAR far away, to the farthest country on the globe perhaps. A place where I would have nothing to do with my current environment. Well even if I were to do that, it wouldn’t change anything, what an irony. Maybe I would have to destroy my devices so they wouldn’t be able to contact me.

But I know I can’t do that, Why ? Why ? Why and Why ? What is stopping me for stepping out ?

……

I never asked to be born as a Firstbron but somehow I got that place. God gave me that place for a special reason and I have no choice but to accept it. No one can steal the blessing away from me nor take the side effects that follows it.

Is all this emotional strain necessary though ?

Where was it written that I would have to endure helping even when my needs needed to be prioritized ? Where did it say that I would have to spend most of my time bearing tasks just because I came first ? When did God said that I would have to suffer along with another person’s sin ?

I never knew that helping someone could be like wanting to DISSAPEAR and never coming back.

I want to scream but I cannot. I want to disfigure my phone but I cannot. I want to exit my environment but I cannot.

It’s hilarious though. Getting compliments and getting praised for my hard work far underweights what I pass through behind the scene. Is it really worth it ? No, never, unlikely.

It came to a point where his voice was disguting to my memory, where pretending was my second strength, where my dreams were pushed aside just so that someone else’s ambition could be fuffiled. It’s terribly unfair. They say «  What you sow, you reap it ». I never sowed such a seed before so why as such a seed germinated into my peaceful garden ? Why have you grown to be such a nuisance to my life ?

At the end of the story, everyone may fall for the facade that everything wasn’t « that bad » but for me, it’s an irritant that may never fade into the background.

Someone may want to help me but they might not be able to. Someone may be able to help me but they might not want to.

No one sees your tears and cry but they all see your smile. A smile hides a lot. Most of the time, people who laugh or smile a lot pass through the most difficult and emotional tiring situations.

But for me I get pass through all of them with God. Because « With man it is impossible but with God all things are possible » Even the possibilities of washing away my scars and pain.

Thank you Jesus for always being there for me even when no one understands what I feel. Without you, I would be depressed, lost and filled with hatred and bitterness. Without you, I would have succumbed to the tension of this world. Without you, I would have dissipated out of the system. Without you, the enemy would have had the last say and they would be rejoicing at my downfall. Without I would have no hope, no taste of how beautiful the earth you created is.

People don’t understand how I move forward, what they don’t know is that « It’s all about you ».

——————Please don’t ever leave me——————-