"I just wanted you to know." I cast my eyes down at my feet, swinging limply from my perch on the cobbled wall. The Irish wind blew brusquely about us in the night air. There was a stiff silence, as Kev sat there quietly. Here we were, ten years later if it were a day, back in Ireland on a kind of reunion trip. Kerry, Kev, Luiza and I had planned this for months, and I had to go and ruin it.

"Why now?" He whispered. I could hear the tension his voice. "What were you hoping for?"

I paused for a long while. "I don't know," I eventually replied. "I guess... I guess I just didn't want to make the same mistake as when I left.

That night resurfaced in my mind—our final goodbye, or so we had thought. It was December 21st, my semester was over, and it was time for me to head back to the states. His arms had wrapped around me then, almost perfectly. The embrace lasted for quite a while, much longer than it should have. I was so tempted to pull back, I remembered, to kiss him then, but that had felt like it would have been some kind of violation. Strangely, for a moment it had felt like he wanted the same. But that couldn't have been true. So I just let go, wiped a tear, and then climbed into the taxi to the airport.

Over the years we had kept in touch, not to any consequential extent however. A "like" here on Instagram, a “happy birthday” over there on What’s App. But we watched each other from afar—and then I saw that photo.

It was a simple picture. A sunny day in a park. Kev sat with another man, whose hand rested gently on his knee. Kev’s own arm slung leisurely over his shoulder, and there was a soft smile on his lips. It was adorable. And it made me very sad.

Now, sitting next to him on this wall not two blocks from our old flat, it all came flooding back. All that we could have been, all that we were not. It made no difference now. I felt anger, clean and hot, at myself for having brought all this up. I hadn't meant to sour the evening, but it tasted bitter all the same.

Soon, I would be heading home and Kev would be on his way back to France, just like we'd done all those years ago.

"I'm sorry," I murmur, hopping down from the wall. "It's getting late. Kerry will probably be wondering where we are." I turned to go.

Kev caught my hand. For the briefest of moments he held it, and then he let it fall. "Good night."

I wished I had left it all unsaid. It was cruel of me to have dredged all this up. What once was couldn't be. And so I went, trudging my way back towards the city center, a small piece of me left behind.