What did you do?

What got you through?

Too much caffeine

Makes me feel mean

Too much negativity on the news

Feels like being abused

Too many expectations, then let downs

Gets me down, reflecting my wind down

Too much chaos becomes mental disorder

I become like a negativity hoarder

Too many haunting, heavenly dreams

Meeting my demons unaware, it seems

A lack of inspiration

keeps me in suspended animation

A lack of the sleep I need

turns me into a creeper indeed

A lack of motivation, a lack of control

Distracted action takes its toll on my soul

An over abundance of excuses

I want to try hard but part of me refuses

I invite you in, then I flip deuces

My friends, mentors, even MDs

Can’t see my heart’s sunk into my knees

Fear, paranoia, depression - highly inflated

Helplessness, hopeless, restless - uninvigorated

Powerless - anxious - pain anticipated

My loss of self cannot be overstated

No way to take back control

Not today, no you gotta let go

All good things seem taken away,

Help unavailable - rest or run away?

So - what did you do?

What got you through?

Took my first breath of a new life

No longer willing to go through this strife

Always feeling under appreciated

Feeling overly sensitive, complicated

Hope depreciated, dope fiend - degenerated!

Can’t cope! Got clean but denigrated!

Growing overly pensive, pain is so expensive

Not wanting to connect or share,

Don’t want to reject but can’t care

Don’t wanna be defenseless,

It feels senseless

Doubting my feelings

Undermining my dealings,

Vulnerable, Open, Intimate,

Started to feel for real but wanna quit

Should I fight or take flight?

Ready to starve again or take a bite?

Medication - making me drop down, too flat

Time for meditation - taking my breath to the mat

Traumatized

Socialized

Immunized

Tranquilized

Fighting back, hustling for every last thing

So I write, I speak, I spit rhymes, I sweat, I sing

Fractured

Fragmented

Fragile egomaniac

Triggered

Tormented

Neglected my spirit hack

Always had to somehow be okay

No matter what happened, every damn day

Hide it - bury it - push it down, put it far away

Is it getting any better being that way?

Not angry - just afraid

Not poor - underpaid

Not darkness - just shade

Not lonely - underlaid

Got nothing done today

Nothing I wanted to do

Gave all my power away

When will I get a clue?

Feels like a waste

Feels like shame

Forgetting my pace, my aim, my name

Just treading water sucks

Once in a row, now all dead ducks

Keep wondering, what’s the point of this?

Keep pondering, is this love or just business?

Asking - what did you do? Right? Wrong?

What gets you through? Spite? Song?

Every time I pause, feels like a reverse

Every time I have to let go, it even feels worse

Every time the universe tells me “no”

It makes me want to curse

But I love my life even with setbacks

It’s just a course correction, I will get back

To what matters most, back to my own way

This is just another manic, panicky Monday

What didn’t you do today that could do tomorrow?

What brings you joy? Could it erase the sorrow?