VISUAL PROMPT
Art by Sans @ deviantart.com/Sanskarans
Write a story or poem that could be titled 'Talking with the Devil'
Talking With The Devil
Who are you?
Look at you…that thick brushstroke of grease over your brow, trailing down the hook of your nose; those fat, rheumy lids that weep fluid after a night’s unrest; and—oh gosh—what is that? Pits. No, craters, plugged with half-popped grains of salt and cracked black peppercorns, bubbling from the dermis.
Squeeze one, go on.
I want to see the crud and dirt sprout and sprawled, like an earthworm from soggy ground. Oh, but what if it scars? I wouldn’t worry about that; those raised keratin starbursts scourging your cheeks will have a new friend to play with. Not that they’re lonely. They’ve been multiplying like a white mould recently—have you noticed?
You want me to shut up, don’t you, so you can hear yourself think? Have you only just realised? I am your thoughts. I am you: the shavings of dead skin over your scalp, the grime caught deep under your nails, that bad taste at the back of your throat, that loathing, bubbling in the pit of your stomach and the odious acid-froth sat on top like ocean spume.
It’s us. We’re one.
And let me tell you a secret, I’m not going anywhere. I’ve made a nest in the deepest recesses of your mind with tendrils barbed, somewhere deep in the catacombs of crypts and gyrae. You’re not scooping me out so easily…
But you don’t want to really, do you?
I’m your only friend.
This was a great little read. Really reminded me of the video game Disco Elysium. Well done!
Thanks for dropping by, Brandon! I’m not much of a gamer, so I had to Google that one. But thanks so much :)
The use of "brushstroke" makes me view 'the portrait' as an art form. To be Carefully constructed, handled. Appreciated. But as the piece unfolds, the voice quickly paints an unsightly picture and offloads a torrent of mockery. 🙌🏼⭐️⭐️
🔥 "...those fat, rheumy lids..." gave me a lift 😂 I giggled aloud and couldn’t help but drop a comment!
I like the pause of ‘sarcastic horror’.: "—oh gosh—what is that?" The conversational style is spot on.
"Squeeze one..." Nicely placed (in isolation).
I found myself wincing over some of these descriptions! 🤮 😂
I like the comparison of "(odious) acid-froth" to "ocean spume". 🙌🏼Great imagery. "Sat on top" made it feel like 'the icing on a repulsive cake'.
I can feel the repulsion the character has for 'self'.
"I am you:...spume": 💯I liked the length of this revelation. It feels like, 'at every turn'—in every crevice, the character cannot escape their thoughts. And thoughts are snapping at their heels.
Nice split: "It's us. We're one"✨
"tendrils barbed": syntax is on point (as usual). ✨
"I want to see the crud and dirt sprout like larvae from its egg."✨
I kind of get what the comments say, and your response is perfectly 'clean'. That said, there's something I like about your original rendition too!
"I want to see the maggot of crud and dirt sprout, like an earthworm from (the) soggy ground."
I'm not convinced that including the developmental stage (egg) adds anything ‘extra’ to the mix. Larvae from an egg is natural. There's no conflict. Whilst an invertebrate slithering out of "soggy ground" (aka nasty skin) lights up a few senses.
(Maybe add a word? ie. "I want to see the maggot of crud and dirt sprout and sprawled, like an earthworm from soggy ground."
Or "I want to see the maggot of crud and dirt sprout. Sprawled, like an earthworm from soggy ground.")
For me, it makes total sense. Like a continuation of ‘train of thought’. The comparison is also in 'the expulsion' of matter. The matter and motion/action is comparable. Squeeze a spot, and maggot springs to mind first!
Perhaps if "egg" featured as a trope, motif, metaphor... it might pack punch. I'm just sharing the thoughts that spring to mind as I read.
This is an excellent read! Tone perfect.🙌🏼💯🤩
(Oops, a little long. I like a ramble 😂)
I always love some lengthy feedback — thank you!
Yes, I played with the idea of a “clumsy” brushstroke but quite like the sarcasm without it. Thanks for picking up on that.
Fat, rheumy lids haha 😂
If you’re wincing, I’ll consider it mission accomplished!
Ooh love the icing on a repulsive cake. This is conjuring lovely imagery for me.
I like your suggestion on the the maggot conundrum(!) and it’s great to follow your train of thought on this. I’ll have a play. I find it really interesting to see how people’s minds work with creative writing - I get a lot from it.
Thanks once again for taking so much time to give feedback. I really appreciate it. 💚
I forgot to mention “sprout and sprawled” - great suggestion to lift this sentence to its full potential!
Don’t mind me - just browsing your awesome work! I know there’s no way I can add to what Dede said so I’ll keep things simple. I love how you chose to break this up. Each single line had be go backward and read the previous paragraph once more. Real art gallery vibes here!
Thanks, HM Violet. Really appreciate your kind words! 💚
💥’Who are you?’💥
What an opening line!! Simple, powerful, and grabs the reader!
Great portrayal of disdain- ‘Look at you… what is that?’
Taunting the reader are you?!😁
‘Squeeze one, go on.’
‘I want to see the maggot of crud and dirt sprout like an earthworm from (the) soggy ground.’ As well as the ‘the’ is a seemingly missing word, reading ‘maggot’ and ‘earthworm’ in one sentence does not make me happy. The premise of the image is delightful, but a ‘maggot’ cannot be an ‘earthworm’ because a maggot is the larvae of a fly- typically of the common housefly or bluebottle. Maggots is the common name for the Dipterous larvae; Diptera are an order of insects containing the two-winged flies, which are true flies. So, that being said ‘larvae’ might bring a better image that ‘earthworm’ (the order of the earthworm is Opisthopora).
Lovely image- ‘keratin starbursts’
🥶’I am your thoughts.’🥶
‘The shavings of dead skin’ an interesting and unique take on the commonly used ‘flakes’ to describe dandruff/dead skin👏🏻
Well that’s not spooky at all- ‘It’s us. We’re one.’
‘I’m your only friend.’- Now there’s no need to get so personal!😂
Honestly, Jay Writes, I love the tone you have set and the way the voice sounds like it is directly talking at the reader in a mocking manner. I cannot see much character development because it seems that the piece is written from inside the protagonist’s head, which works very well. As for the structure there are places where there is potential for tweaking, but there’s personal preference/choice involved here too- what one person likes another might not.
One thing: so many hyphens! Commas and ellipses’ are just as effective, and can add different levels of tension and speed into the piece. Use the punctuation to manipulate the reader!
I told you, you have the writer’s magic… and I stand by that! It is very clear in this piece you found your path, and stuck with it letting it flow out. Thank you for sharing the horror today; I hope it has been a good day for you.😊
Always so grateful for your pearls of wisdom, Dede!
Thank you for the taxonomy freebie - much appreciated! I think I was being very lazy with my imagery here and I’ve switched this up. It reads much better now.
I fear I’m a bit of an em dash lover, but I might have overdone it here! Thanks for the punctuation tips.
Just arrived in Stockholm 🇸🇪. Have a lovely weekend!
