“Is it real?” She thought to herself.

Could these feelings she developed be something more than an innocent crush? She did not see the beauty in him initially, couldn’t see the strength in his character or the respect on his face.

But the first time he spoke to her, something clicked in her mind. He listened when she spoke, looked at her when she smiled, they said. “Is it real?” she asked. Or was he just comfortable with her.

He had a girlfriend, but when it was quiet he asked her questions. When they were alone, he laughed with her. He helped her do her work. He told her to careful driving home. Is it real? These feelings she has developed for someone that simply treats her the way she honestly expected all men to — is it real, or is this just what a man was meant to be?

Does he care about her? Hang onto her every word and try to be near her, like they say? Or is he just a good person? Why has she never felt that sort of connection to other men? Maybe they all just treated her like an insignificant pest, and he was genuine. Or perhaps, this was something more than respect and appreciation for a good person.

“Is it real?” She wondered aloud, as he left for the day.

Does he smile because she smiles? Is he talkative because she’s quiet? Is he interested or just kind? His kindness affected her. She wasn’t sure if she was in love, if this was what fate felt like, or if this was just a friendship she would learn to cherish. She wanted it to be real. Where no attraction once lay, there was now a seed of hope, of longing for this man who, for all she knew, just wanted to fill the silence. Is this love at first sight–or touch? Had they touched? No, not that she could recall. But when he smiled at her she felt her chest seize with emotion. Maybe this longing was just a product of being unloved, mistreated, and disrespected her whole life. Maybe her feelings weren’t real, but manufactures in her mind to ease her conscious. Perhaps she wanted to be in love so badly that every interaction she analyzed until she was convinced he cared for her.

That was a sad thought. Was she so desperate? It was wrong to want a man in a relationship. But maybe he didn’t want to break up with her yet because Christmas was so close. Maybe he wanted to make sure she was worth the risk before he ended his relationship. Or maybe he could sense her need for companionship and pitied her, interacting only to ease her feelings of despair. Could he see the self-hatred in her eyes? The fear that falling in love with someone meant being vulnerable — something she’d never done. Or maybe he was waiting to break up with his girlfriend in person. They did live over a hundred miles away from one another.

It was cruel and wrong, to wish someone to be apart because of her own selfish desires. But he was kind. He asked important questions and listened to her long-winded answers, and then asked more. When was the last time someone actually did that? Even her closest friends sometimes cut her off from rambling. When she’s catch herself talking too much, she’d wrap up her story. She hated being a bother. But then he’d ask another question, and that tightness in her chest eased for a moment as she relaxed and continued talking. Maybe he was just a good person. Maybe she was in love with the idea of someone who actually liked to hear her excited ramblings and explanations and incessant fun facts. Or maybe it was real. Maybe he did care. Maybe he wanted to hear her speak because he loved how excited and happy it made her to talk about things she was passionate about. Was it wrong to be passionate? He didn’t make her feel like it was. But she wanted to be closer, to have him in ways she couldn’t remember ever wanting with anyone.

Is it real, she wondered… or is it envy? The green-eyed goddess reared her ugly head so frequently, she didn’t truly know. She envied whoever he loved. She wanted to hear him speak passionately. She wanted him to be happy. She wanted this to be real.