The beauty of being asleep is that I wouldn’t be overthinking right now. I wouldn’t be thinking in general. I wouldn’t be wondering why he hasn’t texted my back in two days, fully knowing he’s been so busy. I wouldn’t be questioning how a guy could actually like me. I’m not pretty or anything like that. I wouldn’t be having these random thoughts, instead dreaming dreams which I never remember and just being asleep.

But I’m not asleep. I’m on my phone, typing up midnight thoughts because my mind is too loud. I just finished this assignment for my literature class that got me thinking about love.

I’m not in love. I’ve never been in love. Maybe I’ve been close. I don’t know. I don’t think so. But maybe. But that’s not the point. The point is I don’t know what romantic love feels like, but man I want to. I want to be able to hold someone’s hand, put my head on his shoulder, hug him like he’s everything I need, tell him that he really is everything I need, hug him even harder—I want that kind of cute, wholesome love. Where you love each other so much that you are each others world. You make each other happy. That’s what we want from love, right? That’s what we want from life, at least what I want. What other reason is there to live? You live your life and be happy, then your kids live their happy lives, and so on and so on and so on.

What’s the point of marrying someone because they have a similar social or economic status as you? Yeah, money’s important, reputation, too, in a way, but these don’t guarantee happiness. If you love someone with your whole heart, and, here’s the kicker, THEY LOVE YOU BACK, then why not marry them????? maybe it’s a bit more work depending on the situation, but isn’t it worth it if your life is essentially guaranteed to be happy because you spend forever knowing your love is true and requited? It’s funny to me that not everyone thinks this way. Maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic (emphasis on “hopeless”) but I feel this should be obvious.

And then comes the whole dating thing; playing hard to get, getting the ick, being a player—what is up with the game metaphor? Love isn’t a game, it’s forever. It just doesn’t make sense to me why anyone wouldn’t give their everything, put in all of their effort to make things work if they love someone.

You can’t choose who you love. You can’t control love. You can’t pick how and when you fall in love. It just happens. And sometimes it’s the most unexpected person, but sometimes that’s what makes it so beautiful. Almost as beautiful as being asleep. Which I should do now. Soon.

Love is weird man. That’s all I can say. And I’m not even in love. But when I say I’ve imagined it, I mean it. I can’t wait to fall in love. I hope I do. I’m scared I won’t. I’m more scared I will. Like, what are the chances he’d love me back? Why would he? Even if he does, he’d get to know me and change his mind.

Speaking of getting to know each other—this is random but then again so it’s this whole rant—friends to lovers over enemies any day. Enemies to lovers can sometimes be done justice, don’t get me wrong; (this is more frenemies but still fits) being a Star Wars girlie I love love love Leia and Han’s whole bit… but Padmé and Anakin are on a whole other level of heartwarming. And breaking. Mostly breaking. Although, friends to lovers is much more realistic and frankly wholesome. What do you mean I can know and trust the love of my life before I even develop any romantic interest? What do you mean the love of my life could love me as a person, for who I am, for who he knows oh so well, before having any romantic feelings?? What do you mean he could fall in love with me BECAUSE he knows me so well???? I’d feel so much more secure in a relationship like that because he’d be less likely to change his mind, and I could actually be comfortable around him, I could be myself, knowing that he loves the real me and not just an idea of me. How can someone love someone else without even knowing them?

This is also the reason I don’t believe in love at first sight. It’s cute in movies, but not real. Attraction at first sight? Definitely. A crush at first sight? Sure. But love? Real love? No. But, that’s a discussion for another day because it’s late and I have school tomorrow.

So I’m gonna sleep and be beautiful because being asleep is beautiful and that’s 100% what this rant was about. And if you’re reading this late at night, 1. thank you, and 2. go to sleep buddy. good night ❤️