CW: SA

I stumble and I fumble and finally I tumble. As I quickly try to gather everything before it crumbles. Maybe I gave the wrong impression? Maybe I stammered, scrambled, mumbled… After all how can I trust a mind that’s just so very jumbled?

Let’s have some confidence here; it’s okay, let’s not be humble. You said no. He heard… go? Go…? _ No… I don’t think so… __ __ There must be something… body language… is how we mostly uncover_ __ what it is we’re really trying to say to each other… especially when it’s words between lovers…

You kicked your legs, you pushed him back. That’s a physical attack. Maybe it looked playful, a play-hit and push and smack? It wasn’t playful to push back until he heard a crack. And then keep pushing after that… __ __ But then I stopped… I became afraid he’d get more rough. Maybe he thought it’d all been bluff. Why didn’t I want him to stop badly enough?

You could have said nothing. You could have done nothing. Nothing is not permission for something. And the question is Why did you so badly want to be loved that you imagined excuses beyond and above? Because being loved is all that we want. To be safe is to be loved; a love that is not safe is thin and frail and has gone gaunt. _And maybe even worse, _ _it’s wholly gone, _ a ghost that’s only left to haunt. __

And if the one that’s meant to love you doesn’t the safe world that was maybe wasn’t…

I have gathered here today every piece that risks decay every part wanting to stray and every bit that needs to stay.

Here before us lays the world we thought was safe. It is gone. Done. In grave. But we, all three, will build safety. A new, more true, more due safety. With nothing but our older hands, the labor that our truth demands, and this here, this spot, right where it lay. We’ll use this very Earth’s own clay.