A boy I used to know

once told me that to believe in God,

you have to believe in light,

and to believe in light,

you must have first known darkness.

I think what he meant was:

the princess in her tower

has no sense of the scorched village below.

Even when she closes her eyes,

her “darkness” glows gold,

the gleam of inherited greed.

There is no such thing as _absence_.

No such thing as _without_.

And the boy said:

to believe in God,

you have to believe in a world

without Him.

I thought about that

for a long time.

Because even if I think I

understand what he meant,

I don’t think I ever truly will.

Every time I try to kill myself,

I see a light.

And I’m terrified

it’s God saving me.

Because I told Him,

very clearly,

I don’t want to believe,

and I don’t want to be saved.

So why does He send me light?

Why does He let me

sit in the dark

so long

before He does?