I said good bye when I was eight.

And I didn’t know that that would mean

I’d be crying all alone

In my room at seventeen.

I’m still cursing at the ceiling

Hoping god stops screwing up,

And I don’t know where I’m going,

But I know I’m getting drunk.

I’ve been holding in my shit

For the past fifteen years.

I’ve been sitting on my own

Not wanting to let go of all these tears.

And I still hold my breath

Every time I’m at the store

Cause I just saw a woman with your hair

Walking out the door.

In every whisper of the wind

I still think I hear her voice.

As clear as the water

No, leaving wouldnt be my choice.

In every sun kissed summer night

I find my self sitting on the old, brown porch swing,

Wondering when He’s gonna take me

And reunite me with my family.

My heart,

It aches,

My soul,

It breaks,

My love,

Is lost,

To saddened,

Thoughts.

And in my dreams

I still see your face

As clear

As day

I reach out

To touch your cheek,

The softness feels

Like sweet memories

Of cotton candy

And frosted crackers.

Clowns in tents

And exotic dancers.

Like a bitter sweet movie of laughter and love,

Your life flies by inside my mind

With slaty tears and sparkling smiles,

While some little pieces are lost to the sky.

And even though

I can’t quite recall

The color of your eyes

I still know it all

Deep in my bones

Where my memories are stored

Each part of your soul

Connected to mine.

And it breaks my heart

To admit this to you

But I know that she knows

I still love her true.

But god,

If you’re there,

Why did you do this to us.

This pain,

This ache,

It is way, way to much.

So I sit on the floor

In my very first house.

I look to the ceiling

And call out

Aren’t you proud of me

Grandma,

I’ve done it.

I’m here.

I’m in my own home

Just as you had dreamed I’d achieve.