The chains are cold in my hands a mirror of the night air. My breath comes out in visible clouds of smoke. “Do you remember how many times we used to come here?” My voice carries, but I don’t expect a answer. Not tonight. Not ever again.

This was silly. A stupid attempt for comfort. I was just gonna end up drowning in my sorrow even more then I already was. No matter how much I pleaded for his company again it wouldn’t be answered with anything but silence.

He was taken from me with little fight. If I had known letting him leave my house that night would be his death sentence I would have done everything in my power to prevent it. He must know that. Know I regret everything.

From the moment he had cried out from the kitchen that he was heading home. I should have protested. Invited him to my room for a sleepover we hadn’t done in years. We were 17 now, but if it would have saved him I wouldn’t have cared of how ridiculous it would have been. I’d have excepted the jokes from my family or our mutual friends. I would have taken anything if he would just be next to me again.

The breeze made me shiver my cheeks iced from my tears. Rubbing at my tears furiously I kick off from the ground letting the swing momentum take me up and down. I kick my legs out when we go back and tuck them in when we go up. Speed carries my brown curly locks up and down with my movements. And my clothes tousled and thrashing from the gust of air. My sweatshirts to thin for a night like this. I wish I had his jacket. His company.

More tears. More weakness. More sorrow. I was gonna drown. I had dreamt of soaring with him. Launching off the ground arms spread wide I, finger intertwined. He had soared, but left me behind. Was I jealous? Maybe, why would he leave me? Leave me to huddle in the nest too scared to step out on the branch we had once shared.

Was our wings not meant to share the same skies. We had lifted each other up. I still needed that crutch. Did he not? Could he lift off without me? To many question no answer could be found. Not anymore.

Choking on air like it’s thin like it’s disappearing leaving me gasping. It’s not if anything oxygen was even better from my position on the swing. No I was choked on emotions on my own denial.

“You bastard” I snarl crying out into the night sky like it could be hurt by my words. If it could I imagine it would rain, mourn with me. This was our playground. Our safety.

I came here to hide from bullies. He came to not be alone. This place had answered both our needs. I was never left unprotected and he was never alone. I followed him around like a pet followed his owner. He protected me like a guard did a king. We were each others saving graces. Now mine was gone. We only got one in this hellish life. One reprieve from darkness. He wasn’t meant to be gone. Lost to what could have been. If he hadn’t ended up on that road. That drunk hadn’t had his keys. Then my nights wouldn’t be spent without you. Keenan. My light. Though it flickered at times it never ran out. I never doubted if I reached for it in the dark that it wouldn’t be a guiding light.

It was always Keenan and Joana. The inseparable duo. We had played on this park. Got hurt on this park. Even as teenagers we walked past this park. Now only my feet fall could be heard.

Gripping at my chains I let my head fall forward. My dearest Keenan. If he had just waited. If we hadn’t been to scared to make the next step. I should have just kissed him. Let him know I was ready to soar with him. To build a nest just for us. His funeral was tomorrow. I didn’t want to see what the car connecting with his body had done. He was sure to be cut after being thrown like a rag doll. They had found him crashed into a tree his back had taken the impact. They still hadn’t found the drunk. Just his empty bottles.

I had never hated a man as much as I hated that man. Had never wanted to inflict harm as much as I wanted to damage that car. The car who had taken Keenan’s life. My other halves life

“Please come back and collide with me” I would have accepted his teasing and bullying. Grinned like fool as my shoulder collide with the wall. He would have stood over me grinning like a fool. To close to be friends, but nothing proving we were more except tension. I wanted him pushed up to me looking down at me like something prescious and his. If I was his why couldn’t he stick around to be mine.

I wasn’t getting anywhere. It was late 2Am yet I accepted the night like it could hides me from the world, and the hurt that it delivered to any soul who tried to prosper. Licking at my teary lips I stare off at the slide, the monkey bars, our tree. Keenan was braver then me always hanging from the branches and encouraging me to trust him enough to follow. I never did.

Launching forward the chain jerks from my hands. For a long moment I feel nothing holding me. I’m flying!

My feet slip against the gravel and my back slams down first. I choke on the very thing I need to breath tears stinging at my eyes for a whole new reason. My fingers grip at my shirt as I struggle with my lungs gasping and twisting onto my side. I needed to fly. I needed more.

Forcing to my legs I stumble past the playground up to our tree. His tree.

I’m possessed by some being as I climb up a tree that I’ve never even attempted to. It’s like second nature. My fingers already bleeding from gravel grip at tree bark. My nails chipping and scrapping. I don’t care. I climb as far as my shaking limbs will allow. Straddling a branch I look down. “I’m gonna fly with you” I promise to the ghost of my desperation.

Standing on the creaking branch I let my foot step out and spring forward. My arms outstretched grasping for air like it would catch my featherless wings. I was flying. Keenan I’m like you now.