I sit day in day out in this small space. It is all that I have known for a while now. For over half of my life I have been in this space and let me tell you that is hard. It was hard when I was younger but it is harder now. Now that I am older I sometimes think I will never get out.

I have been on the outside. I still remember what it was like. I started out my life being loved and longed to feel that again. It all changed for me 5 years ago, the family that I lived with and loved with my whole being decided to move. They drove me here and left. I was handed over to a lady at the time. She was kind and sat with me for a little while when I got in this room that I would spend the next 5 years eating and sleeping in. That lady left me as well though. She came one morning like she always did, took me out for a little while. I loved the time we spent together in the fresh air. It was quiet outside, the complete opposite to what it’s like in here. The noise can drive you crazy, I have seen it happen to many over the years.

The nice breeze would flow around both of us and I could tell she enjoyed it just as much as me. But like the ones that I had loved before, she disappeared too. I didn’t realise this until it was time for my next trip outside, that was the following day. But when she didn’t turn up and I got someone else I started to wonder. When this went on for a few days I knew that I would never see her again. That hurt me more than anything. I thought that we had something special. A bond some might call it, one that someone would only got once in a lifetime.

I know what others might think, I thought that I had that with the ones that left me in this place. But no I didn’t, not then. They were my first family and it was all that I knew for the first 5 years so they were all that I had ever known. But now after years in this place, surrounded by the noise my perception of the world I thought I once knew has changed.

It wasn’t just the noise in this place that got you down, it was seeing the rejection. Day after day rejection happened in this place. No matter what age you were. It appeared rejection did not show kindness to anyone. Everyday I saw both the young and the old walk by my room all with the same expression on their faces. All of them the same, confusion and worry. I sympathised with them, I really did. The worry that coursed through me that first day was like nothing I had ever felt before. If it wasn’t for that lady, my lady I don’t know how I would have gotten through.

Something happened to me today, something that has only ever happened in my dreams. It made me question at first if what I was seeing really was me awake or if I was asleep after all. But no, the feel of her hands on me was more real than any dream I could have experienced so I knew that she was really there. The lady was there for me, my lady. She was here at my room. Pushing her hands through the bars. She had come back. She had come back for me.

I heard not long after that, she was going to take me out of this place. My gate opened and I ran towards her. Ran into her arms. She did take me out then, on one of our walks that we had been on so many times before. Then she took me back to my room, she looked into my eyes and promised me that this time it was different. She was going to get me out of this place, take me to live with her. My lady promised me this and I believed her with everything that I am. She is all I need, all I have ever wanted. As she closed the gate on me and gave me another smile I was warm inside. I didn’t see sadness now, I saw hope and a life that I had been wanting. She will be back for me, I know that she will.

As I lay my head on my bed now I feel something else stir inside of me. Some underlying thing that I know can’t be good. I am of an age you see, one that means everyday is precious. It is a feeling that I have felt before, something that has been getting worse over time. If I could just get on the outside with the lady I know things would be better. My life would be something amazing. I know though as my eyes are closing now that the lady won’t be able to come for me. She won’t be able to take me from this place. I could see it in her eyes that she wanted that almost as much as I did.

I feel myself slipping away somewhere as my eyes are closing. Away from the things I always wanted. To be loved. To be with that lady, my lady. It won’t matter to most, I am just an old dog after all.