“Okay, then leave!”, I scream at him. Nick looks at me angry and shocked. He grabs his bag. “Okay, call me if you calmed down.” “I AM CALM!” He shakes his head and leaves my dorm room. I feel like I got punched in the stomach. Why was he acting like that? Nick never acted like that. He always assured me that I don’t have to be concerned when I saw others flirting with him. But today I saw another guy flirting with him. And something felt off. When I said something, he brushed it off. He said it was just a guy from his study group. I don’t know why it bothered me more this time. Maybe because mostly girls are flirting with him because of his straight looking appearance. Maybe because I know that although he is bi, men are his preference. I thought I left my insecurities at secondary school. Silence consumed my dorm room. I suddenly feel numb. I can’t remember the last time I felt like that. I feel guilty. I sit on my bed and try to fight the urge to go to the bathroom. I know it would end bad. I pull my legs to my chest and hug them tightly. “I can do it.”, I whisper over and over to myself.

I don’t know what exactly happened but suddenly I find myself in the bathroom. A razor blade in my hand. My arm is bleeding. I cry. I feel dizzy. I pick up my phone and text Nick:

“I’m sorry. I love you ❤️ xxxx Charlie”

I get unconscious.

The next thing I know is that I wake up in the hospital. I have a headache. I look around. Nick sits there on a chair sleeping in a position that looks really uncomfortable. “Nick?”, I whisper. He immediately opens his eyes. He rushes towards me: “Charlie, what happened?” I feel tears falling down my face: “I don’t know.” He pulls me in a hug. I cry. “I can’t remember it. I only remember that you left.” He pulls me closer. “I’m sorry, I yelled at you.” Nick cups my face and forces me to look at him: “No s-word, Char.” He is quiet for a moment: “I’m sorry for calling you crazy. You were right, John was flirting with me and…”, he pauses, “…i enjoyed it. But please believe me if I say, I would never do anything that could hurt you. But I don’t know…we are together since we were 16 and 14. Sometimes it feels good to know that others find me attractive too.” Guilt is written on his face. “Nick, I understand that. Can you promise me something?” He nods. “Tell me next time what it was and we are okay.” He smiles: “I promise.” I pull him in for a kiss.