I haven’t been the nicest person. I had the potential to be one, though. Growing up, I had it way too easy. I am very well aware of that. However, I didn’t want it to be easy. For once, I wanted some thrill. A sense of adventure.

At 23, I got my first job. I know, quite late - especially considering the fact that I didn’t go to college. Graduated high school with straight A’s, but somehow I never had a goal in life. Going to college seemed like a waste of time, and frankly, a waste of money. Not that my parents cared - they had plenty of money, but they also didn’t care if that was something I chose not to do.

Anyway, the job… Personal assistant of some arrogant rich guy. Never cared enough to learn his name, never had to use it. All he wants is coffee and vegan sandwiches from the Bio bistro across the street. 15 hours a week, I get to have my own money… Not bad, you know. Gave me a feeling of normalcy.

Until it didn’t.

Since it was a few shared offices, each business guy had his own assistant. And the one from the office right next to ours, got a new one. The first time I saw her, I gasped. Well, almost. I wanted to gasp. Instead I just akwardly opened my mouth. She had beautiful auburn hair, going down to her waist. The brightest green eyes I have ever seen. They were like a large field in the spring. She wore bright colors. Always. She knew how to dress perfect for her body type. Her outfit always highlighted her curves and her peach-like body type. I was amazed. While I was admiring this woman, I didn’t even notice she was basically right in front of me. „Are you alright love?“ I snapped out of it. She was talking to me and I had no idea how to act. I was no better than a high school kid. „Oh- well, yes, of course,“ I managed to get out. I nodded, too. I guess to make it seem less awkward. „Great! I’m Valerie,“ she introduced herself and gave me her hand. „Valerie, huh? I’m Maria,“ I shook her hand and smiled. Maybe I smiled a little too much. But right there and then, I knew that she was the one. Hopeful that I was hers.

A few months went by, me and Valerie really hit it off. We talked daily, gossiped in the office on our breaks, shared our favourite moments, all that kind of jazz… And then it came. Our first kiss. It was like a moment of glory. I wasn’t even the one who inititated it. I was still so unsure if she even liked me that way. But I suppose she did. I was so lucky and I took that for granted.

Then you know, we moved in together. Had lunches together. Dinner. All that. She knew about my family, I knew about hers, but to each others parents we were just… Very good friends. And it was better that way, who knows what would happen if they had known about me… Being into women, rather than men. I loved her. But me being me, I had to mess it up somehow.

Like I said, I’ve never been a great person. I took a lot of things for granted because I always had everything. And I took Valerie for granted. There was a party and we both went. I used to party a lot. I had a certain routine when partying. Alcohol, a bit of coke here and there, sometimes molly. Sex, a lot of it. And in my drunken and high state, I stuck to that routine. Making out with a random nobody in the bathroom, going down on them and being shamelessly loud. You probably guessed what happened next. Valerie stormed in. And even in that moment, I was shameless. We were screaming at each other. She was crying. I was an entitled bitch. Dropped a few very personal insults. I was not in my right mind. That night, she moved out. It was only the next morning I realised what I had done. But was too egoistic to beg for forgiveness. I blocked her everywhere, acting like she was the problem. I went to work, acting careless, but my mind and heart were racing. I lost someone that I truly cared about - only because I was still the same entitled brat I was when I was 15.

My high ego and love for her were constantly fighting. Sometimes I wrote hateful anonymous comments on her social media profile, the other times I gave her anonymous compliments. I was a mess. She was otherwise gone from my life, she even quit her job. Just so she didn’t have to see me. And I get it now, I really do. I wouldn’t want to see me either.

At one point, I haven’t seen her for almost a year. Until I did.

I got a text message from an unknown number. It was her. She was asking to meet me, that day, at the brunch spot we always went to together. I was hesitant. I wasn’t sure if I could look her in the eye.

I went.

I really thought that this was my redemption moment. But then I saw the look in her eye. She was indifferent. I sat down. „Valerie-,“ I got cut off. „Don’t… I’m not exactly here to talk,“ she said, followed by a sigh. „I just wanted to return this. I can’t move on without returning it,“ and she slides a small semish box across the table. I immediately recognised it. It was a necklace I got her for our 1 year anniversary. Cost me a few grand, I never expected her to give it back. „Oh, okay. Are you sure?“ I asked, hoping she would maybe change her mind and either keep it or talk to me further. „I’m sure, Maria,“ she said, so I stood up from my chair, took the little box and left. Granted I had to take a few to gather myself. Breathing in, and out.

As I was taking my next step on the road, crossing the street in busy New York traffic, I heard tires screeching. And then I was pushed away and my head hit the curb.

Suddenly it was all black. Nothing. No noise. I was sure that this was it.

The darkness and silence didn’t last long. My ears started to ring and I was able to open my eyes. They were extremely heavy, but I had to see what was going on for myself. People everywhere. And while looking to the side, I saw her. Valerie. Her body was on the top of a crashed car, head bashed into the front window. With all my leftover strength, my head feeling extremely heavy, I got up. Limping towards the car, towards her. And as I got to her lifeless body, I started tearing up. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Then EMS ripped me off of her. Last thing I remember was screaming. Me screaming. Sobbing. Crying. She sacrificed her life to save mine… After all I did… After all I’ve done to hurt her. She still went out of her way to save me.

Years went by. Decades went by. And here I am, writing all this bullshit. I never got over it. I never got with anyone else. Never had another job. I became a shut-in. And I’m tired of living like this. So you know, this is really a goodbye more than anything else.