I never feel as empty as the times the night sky is empty. The darkness swallows me whole and brings me to its void. It is empty here but not lonely. The voice in the darkness isn’t heard with words, yet I understand everything not spoken. I want to stay, live in this, thrive in my madness, in this mindless void. I want to disappear into this empty pool of gravity. To finally be at peace. But the episodes never last. The phases come and go changing everything, including me.

I want to sit and stare at my wounds forever but I simply cannot. My mind starts to grow again, rapidly like a waxing crescent, becoming more visible and strong. Every emotion grows alongside.

My mind is starting to twirl into the first quarter, forcing me into challenges I do not want to face. But then more and more the world lightened up, things got easier.

And like a waxing gibbous, I am almost full. I feel no pain, no darkness, nor do I long for it anymore. Everything comes with ease and I am the only thing in the world. I don’t sleep. I don’t eat. I simply don’t need to. I am powerful. I am full. Nothing will cease my fire except the gasoline I pour on myself. I rocket myself, spiraling downward into the next phase. I am scared of living, afraid of dying, and terrified of being.

The waning begins as I crack the code to my tiredness. There is only two kinds. The dire need for sleep and the dire need for peace. My body has chosen peace for me. And as it begrudgingly enters into its third quarter, I feel more and more paralyzed without the fullness. I am living with my body fighting to survive but my mind fighting to die.

The waning continues on its last sliver of hope. My merry go mind is winding down. And as I pen these last few words I am back to phase one. New to some but always a welcome home to me. I want to stay and silence these cycles. Falling is so much easier when you are already down.