The following “diary entries” are real moments in time. I am one of those people who have conversations with people in their minds before having the conversation so my “diary” is me speaking to Vincent.

May 18th,2023 12:27 am

I am waiting patiently. It is your birthday. My anxiety is so fucking bad that I am panicking over looking perfect for you. Should I do my hair now? Or force myself to sleep and wake up “fresh”. Fucking fresh? I am twenty nine years old, today you turn 37. What the fuck? Why am I freaking out? I have a plan. Enjoy the morning together - ugh the morning. I need to do my hair now.

May 18th, 2023 11:45 pm

Well, that didn’t go as planned. I didn’t think he was just going to show up like that. To be fair, I didn’t tell him it was your birthday today. I’m sorry. Today was perfect up until that moment… I wonder what you’re doing. Are you awake too or did you go home and have a great time with everyone after pretending to be at work all day? Fuck. That look in your eye? And the way you asked “will he _really_ take care of me and the kids?” UGH. Who the fuck falls in love with two people? Who the fuck falls in love with a man like you? I hate you. Why did you just stand there? You KNEW what was happening outside when I went and spoke with him. I could feel your eyes on us. Did it make you mad when he kissed me? What was it like to kiss me goodbye for the last time five minutes later? I doubt I’ll even remember that kiss. Who kisses goodbye like that? So simple. So plain. So poetically you. You drive me fucking crazy. But I did it. I made my choice and I did it on your birthday. Happy fucking birthday Vin.

May 19th, 2023

I am officially detoxing you out of my life. There. I said it. Goodbye.

You know, if you reaaaally cared you’d try harder. But fine. Don’t talk. Don’t make the effort.

P.S. Fuck you, too.

May 23rd, 2023 _sometime around 330 pm_

Really Vinny? Really? YOU SAID YOU WOULD LEAVE ME ALONE! Why can’t you just respect my decision? I am trying so hard to forget you. Just let me fucking forget you in peace, please.

May 24th _around 9 pm_

__

You had to fucking tell her. Seriously? Now? After I am trying to move on? Annnnnnd you got drunk. You know how much I hate when you get drunk. How dare you try to use those kids as a way to sway me. You know how much I love them. How much it destroys me to not speak or see them, especially Sarah. I fucking hate you. I fucking hate you and love you. I just want you to let me try to make this work. Just go to bed. Maybe we can figure out a friendship down the road but MY GOD just let me TRY to forget you! Let me try to not love someone like you. You Led Zeppelin, poetry spewing, blue ocean eyed man. Just let me try to forget you. I just want you to have your life, your kids. Choose your kids. My God I chose mine! I fucking can’t believe you.

May 25th 10:03 am

I don’t believe it.

I. Don’t. Believe. It.

You’re dead.

I can’t breathe.

I have to get out of this apartment.

This apartment where you picked me up and placed me on my counter and kissed me with passion I could only dream about after you said “see? You’re not heavy at all.”

The apartment where we drank Mad Dog and giggled in secret high on chocolate bar mushrooms.

The apartment where you came on my 29th birthday and laid me on my leopard print chaise and made love to me like no one ever had before.

This apartment.

It’s haunted.

It’s haunted by you.

I can’t breathe.

Why. Why. WHY DID YOU DO IT.

HOW COULD YOU DO IT.

I am angry.

I am so ANGRY.

I am sad.

I am full of rage.

I am ready to scream.

It’s not true. It’s all a lie.

They’re all lying. Some elaborate hoax.

You’re faking your death so you move on from me faster. So I can move on from you.

Why.

Why.

_Why_.

WHY?!

Fuck.

You’re gone.

And all your shirts are still in my drawer.

We just celebrated your birthday….

That last kiss was the last kiss..

It was your birthday…

You are, eternally 37… and I am here..

with him…

May 26th 2023

They blame me.

Everyone says it’s my fault, even your sister has messaged me on Facebook.

I hate you.

The fact that you couldn’t just live?!?

You used to say men who committed this act were cowards, now I guess you are one of them.

I can’t believe you’re gone…

July 11th, 2025 2:16 am

They all still blame me.

Every. Single. One. Of. Them.

Some days I blame me too.

I’m so sorry..I am so fucking sorry. I check in on them time to time, despite the fact that Jackson sent me a death threat.. I still think it’s my fault. They blame me. Why can’t I blame myself? I miss you.. I miss your crooked smile. I still hear your bellowing laugh and it makes me smile. He knows I miss you. I know you snort at my dark humor jokes. I know you know. I know you hear me. I know you. I feel you. I hear you. I will forever look for the signs because they bring me comfort. I hope you know how sorry I am. I hope you forgive me, my friend. Fuck. Now I’m crying.

P.S. I hope you hear me, when I sing all those songs when I’m alone in the car, because I hear you every time Led Zeppelin comes on and I wonder what would have happened if we had just gone to California…