The sound of the zipper didn’t do the moment justice as I zipped as many of my belongings I could fit in my suitcase. That sound was the soundtrack of a promise to myself. A closing of not just a chapter, but an entire book. The wind caught the door and slammed it behind me. The day outside matched the energy coursing through my body.

As I loaded the car I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the window of my old car. I looked weathered. Like someone had left me outside for too long, like a forgotten tool that wasn’t useful enough. Come to think of it, that’s exactly how I felt. That’s the lie I had been told, year after year.

“You aren’t doing enough Caroline”

“Well maybe if you tried harder”

“You don’t even care, no wonder I drink”

Somewhere in the depths of me I knew the things he’s shouted at me was really just what he felt about himself. But it didn’t make it sting less. It didn’t make the hurt go away.

I didn’t have a plan, or know where I was going but I knew I had to get away. I knew I had tried my hardest. I knew I cared more than I should. But the echos of his words sat heavy in my gut. Leaving wasn’t easy. But it had to be done , nothing I could do would fix him, make him better, or make him love himself. He was fading quickly, a fraction of the man he once was. Someone I once knew.

I was leaving, leaving a man who had already left himself.