Tiring.

My empathy is tiring.

Aching.

My heart is aching.

Racing.

My pulse is racing.

I keep repeating to myself that we cannot control how others feel.

If I know that to be true, why is it so hard to swallow the lump in my throat when people are just angry. Mae they aren’t mad at you. He had a bad day at work… She is fighting with her wife. Mae it has nothing to do with you… then why do I flinch at the sight of anger… or why do I start fights when they’re angry? Is it because the only anger I’m comfortable with is the anger directed at me? I don’t know how to handle anger around me that doesn’t have anything to do with me. And why is that? Because my family took their anger out on me… I had to predict the landmines so frequently that now it’s ingrained into me. I am constantly in fight mode. And it will ruin me if I don’t stop. I tear up every time. I try to swallow it the urge to poke until I get the response I want… no NEED. I don’t know how to function in not chaos. I desperately want peace but I don’t know how to achieve it. Cause peace feels like a panic attack to me. Waiting for the next shoe to drop. And when it doesn’t throwing a boulder instead because that’s easier than choking on air during “peaceful” quiet times. But hey these are just things we can’t control… right?