Sometimes, when I think about some of the people that used to be in my life, I admit I can’t help but have a bit of anger in my heart.

I see their happy existence, the smile on their faces, the sun shines, the birds sing, they laugh and I wither away.

I find it unfair.

You traumatized me, and yet I stayed.

You left, and still I stayed.

Every time somebody calls me, my heart races, and my fingers shake, I can’t help but imagine the worse. I haven’t let anyone new get close to me since I’ve met you, because all I can think about is the pain I will feel if, or when, I loose them.

I can’t pick up the damn phone anymore…

Because I can’t think about anything else but loss.

Strangers talk to me sweetly, and try to hold my hand, but I can not tolerate it. Because when they look at me, in the smile lines that crease their eyes I can only see that text you sent me to say goodbye. I can only hear that soulless voice sending me to voicemail again and again. That night I thought I might just die too from the hurt. But you lived, and I’m glad. Except now— I can’t live anymore.

I’m far too scared to lose people like I almost lost you.

Maybe I could’ve healed, if you had stuck with me like you promised so many times. I guess I’m bitter because I made the same promise, and never broke it. Fuck, if you’d call me right now, I’d pick up the phone before the end of the first ring.

You poured your pain on me and I drank it all until my suffering and yours were indistinguishable inside my entrails. I soothed you, and bandaged your wounds, night and day, anytime you needed me.

For months you’d wake me in the middle of the night, so I could talk you down your panic attacks. Now I’m the one that can’t breath.

You bled your rottenness on me, and I took it all just to unburden you. My heart is black and scorched. It will never be red again.

You promised you’d stay. And you left. Just like that. You all left me. You abandoned me without a word. Why? Was it my fault? Where did you go? Did I not love you enough? I swear, I gave you all I had to give… I’m ruined now. You damaged me and then left for your happily ever after. It’s like I never existed to you.

You’re happy; I can’t ever be.

You hurt me so bad, ruined me so intrinsically, I can’t open up to another human being. I think I developed philophobia.

Is it fair to be angry, or am I just a monster?