_- Monday -_

_My daughter is living like a French peasant. One only needs to rise from the bed and lean forward to be sat at the desk. The wall to rest your head against is so hollow you can hear the splish-splash of the other tenants__’__ fecal matter as it lands in the toilet bowl. She eats only eggs. _

__

__

**_mon.

_**MUM IS HERE. I am so so happy! I’ve missed her so much, and I cannot WAIT to show her my new room. It’s so much better than the last place, though I guess you can’t get much worse than a basement with a slit for a window. Those were some dark times. In all senses. But back to the new room: I’m so proud of it? I’ve really decorated every single surface in a way that’s made it so cosy and intimate. It feels like my own little hideaway in busy London. I’ve also planned to make her steamed egg with sesame oil for dinner, because it’s a difficult dish to make, and she needs to see that I’ve adjusted perfectly to London life._ _God I’ve missed her.

_- Tuesday -_

_My sweet and stupid child was meant to take me to some rich man__’__s park today, but alas. She has poisoned herself with her eggs. All day she has been buried beneath her low-thread count duvet. She only gets up to heave her insides into the toilet bowl, and I only get up to scrub her hands thoroughly to prevent someone else__’__s fecal matter from smearing all over the duvet. I sent for rotisserie chicken with a lemon wedge, herbs, and baked potatoes._

__

__

**tues.**

****

food poisoning. feel like death. mum got us nandos.

_- Wednesday - _

_Nothing today._

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__

**wed.**

****

I just remembered why I hate mum. was feeling only a little bit better this morning, so I decided to get up and make us breakfast. turns out she’d gone and stocked my shelf with all sorts of food. she knows I have to follow a very specific diet because I don’t like feeling full when I dance. she knows how stressful my line of work is, how mean they can be about your size.

but above all, I can’t believe she’d treat me like a child again. she went out and bought me these silky sheets, and tidied my room, and sent me a list of part-time jobs that apparently pay better than what I make now. I get that those are all nice things to do for someone, but it’s like she doesn’t trust me to run my own life. Does she not believe that I can take care of myself? I wish she’d stop butting in. It just stresses me out more!

I know I’m living rent to rent, I know my room is small, but her “helping” makes my beautiful room and the life I have been trying so hard to build feel like its been covered in shit. Like, fine, I might be making a massive mistake living like this, but they’re MY mistakes to make. Just let me make my own mistakes. God. If you want to talk about mistakes, her size is a mistake. She’s gained so much weight compared to when I last saw her, and I know she isn’t exercising either. I can’t believe the way her belly just hangs over her jeans.

_- Thursday - _

_I have returned the mulberry silk sheets._

_Reminder: keep receipt for seven days in case of discrepencies._

_Hire a personal trainer? _

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**thurs.**

****

mum saw my last entry. i’m sure of it. I went to get her a ginger tea, and when I returned, my diary bookmark wasn’t on the same page. I thought she’d been asleep because she spent all of today chucking up her food in the bathroom. I knew she couldn’t have been fine if the eggs made me so ill. and then she said she was stepping outside for some fresh air. she came back with charcoal tablets over an hour later. I’ve offered to get nandos tonight again but she’s asked if I have soup. Soup. She never drinks soup, she says it’s salty water. She hasn’t spoken to me since. I think I caught her staring at her stomach in the mirror. I think I fucked up.

_- Friday -_

_Dear, I am writing this here for you to read in return for having done the same with yours. I apologise for having done so, but I was at my wits end trying to understand what I had done to elicit such coldness from you on Wednesday. I had only acted in a way that I thought could best show my love and care for you. It pains me to live so far away from you. I am often so acutely aware of how little time we do have together that I perhaps rush to cover for what I feel has already been lost._

_I want to say this here, because I have never been good with speaking the words aloud: I am so immensely proud of you. This isn__’__t how I would like my daughter to be living her life, but Mum will always be here to cheer you on._

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**mum. I****’****m really sorry I called you fat. I didn****’****t mean it that way. I just want you to live as long as possible, y****’****know? **

****

__

_Okay, dear. I will try._

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__

**I can suggest some recipes?**

****

****

_I__’__d like that. Without eggs, please._

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__

**haha. okay.**

**Mum?**

****

****

_Yes, my dear?_

__

__

**can we go get those silk sheets back?**

****

****

_Of course._

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**and I****’****ll get us nandos tonight. my treat.**

****

****

_Okay, dear. And tomorrow you will take me to your rich man__’__s park._

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**richmond!**

****

****

_Richmond. Very well._

_My dear?_

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**mum?**

****

****

_I shall say it aloud._

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_._

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_._

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_._

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_._

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_._

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**sunday.**

****

Went with mum to Heathrow airport. Cried all the way. Held her way too tight for fear of letting go. But I did let go in the end. Hope she comes to visit again soon.